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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Seasons of life

  I don't usually blog twice in one day, especially a day like I have had, I normally would shut down, and avoid people. I am trying to reach out to people, because I am discovering there are some darn good people out there! I have always believed God puts certain people in your life for a reason, and once that reason is complete, it is time for them to move on, or it is someone who is needed in your life permanentally. Unfortunately, we never know which person is there to stay and its a good thing, because if we knew they were leaving our life  we would hold back from truly loving this person.
 God has brought so many people in my life via FB and who knows who is meant to be there forever, well I think I am starting to find out, I am meeting people that have experienced a lot of the same things I have struggled with, and people I just have fun "playing" with on FB, and re connected with old HS friends and relatives I haven't seen in years & years. A year from now will they ALL be here, probably not, but, I am enjoying them, each & everyone as if today is our last. I don't want to take any relationships for granted or lose anymore important people in my life. 
 I learned a hard lesson this week, by loosing a big part of my family, and it may never be rectified, and I will have to live with that!...I also have to learn to live with the side effects from the stroke, and fortunately, there are a bunch of ladies on FB who have walked this walk, already and are willing to take me by the hand, and lead me....THANK YOU, It may be too late to get my family back, but, not too late to ruin any other relationships.
 To my surprise my husband has been WONDERFUL, he is one that goes before me, he had a massive stroke in 2007, and he was the first one to point out my symptoms being post stroke related. AS most of you know we have had a rocky marriage for the past 3 years, well, now I understand so much more, why his personality changed, I always like to learn a lesson from whatever experience I am going through, and todays lesson has been that I now REALLY understand what my husband has been dealing with, and how he really can't help himself with some stuff. He was so understanding today, and I felt we REALLY connected for the first time in 3 years, and I also see I handeled him ALL WRONG, like someone close to me is dealing with me, I had no patience in hearing that the stroke changed him mentally, when I look back, how can it NOT????
If anything good comes from this, I think we have just made strides in salvaging our marriage.
 My baby girl, she'd kill me, for saying so, she will be 16 in 2 weeks, has been of great support, and she validates me, and as sad as it is, I need that now, I Love you, Jenn Jenns
 Right now her biggest crisis is they shut the water off, and she CAN'T go to school w/o a shower, remember those days? Oh, what I would do to go back there for a little while!!!
 Since Monday, when my cousin passed, my head has been filled with nothing but mayhem, & selfish thoughts of wanting to be in Fla with everyone to help & grieve. Joanne & I weren't close for the past 20 years, I lived in AZ, she in Fla, we would talk when I visited, and keep in touch on FB, until she got too sick. I saw her last June, & I knew that that would be the last time I would see her, she was in pretty bad shape. In the car home, I discussed with my friends how I knew I would never see her again, and I was right.
 I remember when Joanne was adopted, I was an adult, she was only a few years older than my son Daniel & they played together. Joanne loved to talk, she also loved to dance, my mom would go to her recitals every year.
 I suppose I never said it enough, but My aunt & Uncle meant the world to me, and I always knew I could count on them, and the last thing I would want to do is cause them problems, at a time like this, I am so very sorry, and I know that is worth a can of beans right now, I just wanted to be there and help. And I am So Sorry!!
 When I would go for my visits w/o my kids, I would come home so relaxed, and planning for the next time I could go. I looked so forward to it and it was always so loving, Aunt B & Uncle D & the nieces & nephews, and all the younger kids, it was heart warming, and I loved it, and never wanted to go home, because my situation is not like that, I can't say more w/o causing a problem, so I will have to leave it at that. Terry & I have done our best since reconciling to make a better home for the kids, and it has been, mission accomplished, but, we long to have other family around, we miss that so much! And other than my older kids, there is no other family members that come around, it's more like we are a bother to come see than anything else.
 I will admit, I am still sitting her @10pm obsessing that my aunt & uncle will never speak to me again, but, I feel some peace, someone named Bronx posted on my blog, she HAD to be from NY, and she told it like it was, and made me feel so much better, Thank you Bronx, hopefully, someday you will tell me who you are!!!
 I so want to feel like me again, and I don't know if I ever will, so I pray God gives me the strength to come to terms with whatever my life is going to be like, I hope I don't make a habit of hurting people I love. I have a real problem with rejection, & it got a hold of me, and took on a life of it's own.
 I am sorry Mary Beth for complicating your life when you had way too much on your plate, please forgive me, you have always been one of my favorite cousins, & I don't want this to change things, but, from your stand point, how can it not??? AGain, I am VERY Sorry! and sorry to B, also, I read it my way, took it my way, and then felt destroyed. And you were all right, there is no way I could of attended th service & kept dry eyes, it is not in my make up, so my presence would have been a problem, I just didn't want to see that.
 I am NOT trying to blame everything on the stroke, but, you have no idea how much it has me messed up right now, and I guess part of me wanted to be out there with you all where I feel safe & loved, and could recooperate in peace, but, how can I think that when Joanne just passed away??
 I don't mean to be selfish or the many other names my mom called me today, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart and if you choose not to forgive me I understand that too, I hope I never know the pain of losing a child, and I just made it worse, I am sorry to everyone involved!

4 comments:

  1. Wouldyashutup if I give ya a pacifier to suck on

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  2. That comment above was so unnecessary. No one is forcing you to read this blog. The main simple purpose of this blog is for Kim to vent and not internalize her feelings.

    WE her supportive blog readers realize that right now we are her therapy and encourage her to rant rave all she wants.

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  3. Instead of being a coward and hiding behind a code, why don't you come out and show who ypu really are. and BTW no one asled you to read the blog, how about you send me a bottle of wine, instead of the pacifier

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  4. LMAO...typical bully. Hide and strike. What a loser.

    ReplyDelete