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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Take the coating off the candy, please!!!

  As I sit here, alone in the quiet house, all I can hear is the sound of the fish tank filtering the water, it is so peaceful, so relaxing!
 I wish I could stay locked away in here forever, but the reality is, this is an ever so brief minute of my day! And all those brief minutes of your day, combined makes up your entire day!
 I don't know about you, but, when 1 bad thing happens, it starts a rippling affect and they just keep on coming, it seems like my life have been this way for the better part of a month now.
 I don't want to keep repeating, but, yesterdays blogs were about Jenn's sweet 16 party, last night, we finally got some answers, seems her 2 older siblings are jealous, and don't think she deserves a party. Granted, Jennifer is NOT a perfect child, but, who is? She is an honor roll student, she is going to college for her Jr & Sr years, in HS, and is involved in a scholarship program, Is in a few AP classes, and is also a cheerleader. She is honest with me, may not always agree with her, but, I raised her to be honest with me, and she has been.Her siblings, are in their mid  to late 20's and I really think It is time to bury this resentment they have towards her! When they were growing up, we always made sure they had the money they needed to do outside stuff.
 You hurt my baby, you hurt me, and I am very hurt about how they are treating Jennifer, it is NOT right, or fair....as you know my parents are not speaking to me either, so I am very BLAH
 Right now, my oldest Daniel & his girlfriend Jess are coming, Dan & Dina Lane, and I may invite a few other couples, and then Jenn's friends, and we will celebrate her birthday next weekend.
 But, I can tell you that this blog is NOT going to be w/o repercussion.... speaking of which, in my last blog I hurt some feelings, and I am sorry, I believe concerning that situation we are not on the same page, I do NOT hate you, and you may feel differently, your feelings are real and tangible, but so are mine, and I still can't help how I feel, I wouldn't want to ever experience what you are experiencing, all I ever wanted to do was come down & help, wasn't meant to be.
 Find an ever so brief minute of your day, take 2 deep breaths, and go on with your day!!!





Friday, April 29, 2011

YOU WILL HAVE A PARTY, JENN!!! I PROMISE!!

 This blog is going to be difficult to write, especially on a day that should be so good. I feel everyone should have "their" day, their birthday, anniversary etc, and today is my youngest birthday, a big one at that, 16.
 Well our family consists of my 3 children from marriage #1, Daniel 29, Scott 27, & Megan 25, Megan has 2 children Jolie 2 1/2 and Maddox 9 mos. My current marriage of 18 years consists of Cody 17 & Jenn 16. Cody is mentally retarded and autistic.
 Due to my stroke, putting together anything is a chore, and my energy is so limited, but, It was important to make sure my baby girl has a day to remember. I had hoped to do something bigger, but, we decided on friends & family here and I would cook a Mexican buffet, remember folks, I am in the southwest!!! LOL, Believe me, I wish I could do more, I have given dates & told everyone for about 2 mos now, and now that it has rolled around, no one is coming, except a few of her friends.
 Her oldest brother & his girl friend I haven't heard from, I have left messages, I really hope they come, my son lives less than an hour away and I have not seen him in a year, yes a YEAR, I am not trying to cause trouble, I am just trying to understand what I possibly have done wrong, because they all seem to want nothing to do with me.
 My ex husband has moved to town, and he will NOT be at the party, I know my son has no desire to see him, but, he has nothing to worry about because he won't be there.
 I have blogged about this before, my son in law will not let me see my grandchildren, and it eats at me all the time, the reasons don't even make any sense, and it just about kills me, and it is coming up on 2 years, never held my grandson, and my granddaughter is only 2 1/2. 
 My son Scott has lived out of state for the past 2 years, he moved back a moth ago, I have seen him for 20 min, ONCE, well, I don't have a car, so I am very limited, and no one lives close. Anyway, he told me today he won't be making Jenn's party, because it takes 2 people to take care of the grandchildren, so he will be helping his dad. 
 I thought, Oh good Megan will at least come, she emailed today and told me she has to stay home with the kids, what??/ Scott just told me HE had to stay with the kids AND the ex husband is staying with the kids, I must look entirely stupid, But, I had 5 kids, w/no help, & my son is majorly handicapped, and the 2 youngest are 17 mos apart
 My parents are still not speaking to me, and no matter how I try & apologize she shuts me off.
 Right now, I am hanging at the end of my rope, I had 5 kids, because I wanted a big family, I raised them the best I could, I was always there for them, was I Perfect? NO, but who was, with the exception of Jesus Christ!!!
 I gave the 4 of them, their parties for major milestones etc. and the least they can do is be there for their sister, hate me, why I don't know, but don't do this to her.
 Like I said, I am NOT perfect, but, I have always been there for my kids, and tried like hell to be a self sacrificing mother, and I believe I was, but since they are all treating me like this & my parents, I must look inside of my self, and see what I am missing, I have been asking my closest friends to PLEASE not life & tell me what I need to change, and the answer is always the same, you are too nice, and they take advantage of that and use you like a doormat, some more than others, I don't know, it is just getting harder & harder to deal with the wrath of someone new everyday, when all I am trying to do ig get passed this stroke, & get well, and the stress is not helping that at all.
 Other than Megan I haven't seen ANY of them since the stroke, not at the hospital or home.
 You know I said from the beginning I would never candy coat my feelings or emotions, because I don't believe in being a phony, or portraying myself in a way that is not true.
 Truth be told, I have been very emotional since my stroke, BUT, This is just not fair what they are doing to my baby girl, for her birthday.
 Easter came & went & I heard nothing from ANY of my kids, and since I have stroked they don't ever call to check on me. I honestly have visions of being a widow left in an apartment filled with dogs, and no way to get anywhere, because my kids truly could care less about me, and that hurts, hurts more than I can ever put into words!! 
 I keep asking Kathy if something happens to Terry will her & Mac help me, because Terry has not been well, and I know he doesn't have long to live, and has no medical insurance, I am afraid of losing him, my only rival, and my soul mate.
 As far as my parents, I can't reach out anymore, it's killing me, and setting me back each time, I just don't understand how you stop talking to your daughter 4 days after a stroke, and not even care enough about her to let it go and make sure she is ok.
 STill have the Family in Florida issues going on, and the service is May 6, I will just tell myself I am not really family, anyway, to help soothe the pain! and it is time to let them go, because right now I have my hands fuller than full with my parents & kids!
 This is so not what I expected when I had all these kids, I have now learned it is going to be different with Cody & Jennifer, we WILL be a family.
 And I do want to thank my friends, Dee, Julie, Dan, Kathy & a few others
 I just wanted so much more for Jennifer, and I will find a way to celebrate her birthday, and just because we may have the same last name, blood etc.doesn't mean we really are family!!
 I want to thank those of you on FB and in my life long distance & my local friends so much for being here for me,because I honestly don't know what I would do w/you!!
 When I found out the party was cancelled, I was just going let it go, but, that wouldn't be me, and I need to be me, my integrity is one of the very few things I have left! THANKS!!!

HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY, JENNIFER NICOLE

 Happy 16th birthday Jenn,....First of all I can NOT believe my baby is 16!!! And I want to Thank God for her being here. 
  My pregnancy was filled with complications, was on bed rest at 5 mos pregnant, which was hard with 4 other children at home, and all the bickering, "why can't he do it" or "I just did the dishes" it was endless, and so hard to just lay on the couch, one day as I lie there I see what looks like a tsunami coming, I am screaming for a kid, anyone, after all there are 4 of them home, FINALLY, someone came out, the dish washer over flowed and there was water, EVERYWHERE, the kids cleaned it up pretty well.
 What we had to do was each of the 3 older children took, 3 days of school off, and then the next and so on, we spoke to their teachers and they worked with us, Terry couldn't miss work.
  I guess if one is going to be on bed rest, now was the time, The OJ Simpson murder trial was going on, so it gave me something to do all day.Then all night it was Larry King and all the pundits talking about that day of the trial.
It was a Thursday morning, Daniel had the mommy shift, which not only consisted of me, it was also Cody, who at the time was a just a little over a year, and decided to go on a food strike, unless I fed him, he would refuse to eat and cry momma, momma etc. SO the family joke is momma means food, GREEAT, that made my day! 
 Daniel & I put on the news, as we did every morning and it was April 19, 1995 Oklahoma City, we just sat there for hours glued to the TV, never have we seen anything like that, little did we know!
 Megan & Scott had their Science fairs at school & Terry took them, and Daniel is home with me, and what do you know, my water breaks, a good 6 Weeks early, Daniel is FREAKING out, he sends my friend Tish to the school to get Terry, and off we went to the hospital.
 They decided because her lungs were not developed they would put me on medication to stop the labor, so the lungs could develop. I was not comfortable with that, and I learned a hard lesson on going with your gut. 
 I was admitted Thurs night and Fri night they informed me I had Beta Strep the # 1 killer of newborns, and they needed to give me anti-biotics, and induce me in the morning. They also warned there could be complications,basically because my water broke, I developed an infection. I did not sleep a wink all night.
 11am they induced me, I have had all 5 kids w/o medication, or epidurals etc, and this time would be no different. 
 The labor was slow and was not progressing,I couldn't believe my last child was going to be the longest & hardest labor out of all 5. I had 34 min labor with Megan!
 My dad comes walking in, and says ARE YOU DONE YET?? Talk about wanting to kill someone!!! No dad, I am just having fun, and I don't want it to stop!!!
 Finally, 12 hrs later 10:50pm, Jennifer Nicole LaVoie was born, and I did not hear her cry, I could tell by the faces & the panic in the room something was not right, they didn't even tell me her sex, I kept asking, & finally got it's a girl, like that didn't matter right now, so I became very nervous!!!
 They took me to my room, and we found out she had beta strep & pneumonia, and was going to be air vacced to ST JOS., I signed myself out of the hospital, against doctors orders, and went straight to ST. Jos, and hardly ever left the 11 days she was in there!
 Jennifer is probably the most independent of all my kids, and I think it comes from her experience at birth.
 She is also the most intelligent, along with her brother Daniel, the difference is Daniel was so into sports that's all he focused on and could have done much better academically, but, he knew better, because it worked for him, he is a sports writer!!
 Jenn will be starting College as a Junior in HS next year, she will spend 1/2 the day in HS and 1/2 the day at PVCC, we are so proud of her.She is a cheerleader, and gets involved in a lot of extra circular activities.
 As with any 16 year old, we have our ups & downs, and they usually have to do with BOYFRIENDS!!! but, I know it is normal, and having a 25yr old daughter, I know it gets better.
 Jennifer was come to be known as The Momma girl at our house, when she was little she only wanted me, so I now joke, and say what happened to the momma girl?? I kid you not, I used to say, if Jenn could climb back in my uterus she would!!!
 Jennifer, we are very proud of you and love you very much!!!    XOXOXO

Thursday, April 28, 2011

All in A Doctors Days work

  This week has been GREAT if you enjoy doctors & pharmacists, if not, it wasn't for you!
 Due to my great frustration , my insurance ends May 1, I don't want to continually rehash the reasons & such,here goes the readers digest version, they wanted papers turned in, I did turn them in, even had the original copies with THEIR stamp on each page, so P.S. their mistake, well that didn't seem to matter, I was told they would get to it WHEN they got to it, IF they got to it!!! After a week or more of arguing with them, I have turned it over to Terry to handle, he stays a lot more calm than I do, I am praying they straighten this out in May, however they are calling for all kinds of budget cuts, so that alone, may disqualify me. I don't know about you, but, I see this country getting worse, not better!
 Monday evening Cody spent at Megan's & Jenn at her friends, and Terry & I emptied the living room, dining room, kitchen, bathroom & 2 hall closets into their bedrooms, so first thing Tuesday they can put the faux wood floors down, they look awesome, but, again the stroke played such a factor, what would have taken me an hour to do, took me 4 hrs, I was exhausted, so much so, I fell asleep around 11pm, and slept until noon, and then laid back down @3pm today & just woke up @ 5:30, and I am still tired, the doctor did add a new medication, and they all take sometime to get used to the drowsiness feeling, so hopefully, this too shall past!
 So, far, so good, the wood floors are so much easier to care for with the dogs!!
 Little by little I am feeling better, but, I have a few things that I am giving up on, the fact that they will disappear, is starting to feel like wishful thinking, so what that means to me is I need to find ways of coping & accepting what is, or is not going to be. For example, simple words I have used all my life, when someone else uses them I don't understand them, I don't understand a lot, I am always asking for explanations, I am still quite emotional, I only have speech issues when I get real tired, which makes perfect sense to me, and a lot of noise in a large crowd makes me feel a bit over whelmed, and panicky, considering I have 5 kids that's not easy.
 It is starting to look like I am going to need the neck surgery, and w/o insurance, there is no way I can do that! 
 So, tomorrow is the Royal Wedding, it's also my baby's 16th birthday, so that will be tomorrows blog for sure!!!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The power of Pinesol baby!!!

 I must admit 30 years ago, when I had my first apartment, there was something refreshing about the scent of pinesol, it was like saying, " I cleaned today" and for some reason I guess I liked the world, well my world, to know when I cleaned, as the years progressed, I liked the smell less & less, new products were starting to come out that smelt so much better, like lavender, and such, the bleach smelling stuff reminded me of a hospital, so I wasn't a fan of that.
 Even though I didn't use pinesol much, I LOVE their commercials, with the black lady, who says" that's the power of pinesol, baby" she is perfect for that commercial, she was in it for years, and then I am watching TV and here is an old white man trying to pull off the pinesol commercial, well, I was mad, first, you tell me what old man is cleaning?? No men clean, especially a good cleaning with pinesol, so get out of my commercial & bring my pinesol lady back. I suppose there were many who felt that way, because with in a few weeks, that old man was back in his recliner where he belongs and my lady was back!!!! There is a God!
 My apartment building is a distance from the parking lot, we happened to be tucked in the back corner, where the front doors, face towards the complex, and the back windows Face Central Ave which is a residential neighborhood, so it is easier to park on Central, or whenever leaving I leave that way, each building has 2 apartments on each side, and a balcony on the side, so I have to walk past the next door, and around past the balcony, and I am set free, well, as I was turning the corner, here comes a bucket of Pinesol heading right for my body, THANKFULLY I saw it coming and jumped out of the way. I said I liked the Pinesol woman, I didn't want to be her, or better yet have pine scented perfume!! 
 What happened was the lady upstairs was cleaning, and she stood on her balcony & was dumping the dirty water, I came with in 2 seconds of having a large bucket of pinesol ALL OVER ME, the woman could barely speak English, but, kept saying she was sorry, and you could tell she was, I just laughed and said, it's fine, don't worry about it. HAD that pinesol bucket landed all over me, I KNOW I would not think it was funny, since I was on my way to dinner, and had a time crunch, was already made up, hair done, clothes on that I wanted to wear, I can tell you the rest of my day would not have been fun, and all over pinesol, now if pinesol has that much power, one should see that no old white man deserves to be in a pinesol commercial, when he probably spends his free time, looking for the remote that he just lost again, & again!!
 Pinesol, I thank you for bringing MY pinesol lady back!!
 Shortly after my oldest son Daniel was potty trained, he would insist on using pine scented air freshener spray, so this became his routine, and I remember walking in there one day and say, Oh GREAT now it just smells like someone took a dump under a pine tree!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Lions & Tigers & bears OH MY!.....Byron, & wieners & Ginny OH MY!!

 You know the famous song from the Wizard of Oz, well MY title goes to the beat of the same drum, except that its BYRON &Wieners & Ginny, OH MY.
So today was unlike most Thursdays, Julie & I would have an adventure, it always started out the same, with a good meal, and then most times we shop, run errands, or go back to each others houses.
 Today, it was Olive Garden, and we were trying to decide what to eat, and I mention an old friend of mine had mentioned eating weenies for lunch, it wasn't  funny when he told me this, but somehow Julie & I were stuck on this like a bunch of HS students, we just took the ball & ran with it, and I said, in all honesty if my kid asked me for a weenie for dinner, I would be laughing my butt off.
 Ok, so after our child like behavior, we ordered a nice lunch, but, every course would be out in 3 minutes prior to the course proceeding it, at one point the table was completely FULL, I thought this could make for a nice spilling! I know me, and if there is food around it always finds itself all over me,so, yes, there goes my elbow in my side of ranch!! Julie is probably still peeing in the bathroom, as I type, and I came home as thirsty as a Camel, they kept re filling her tea, NON stop, and I had to ask twice before I even got a refill.As I have said, I have good days & bad, and side effects from the meds, and today was hard for me, to articulate, typing is so much easier, I am embarrassed & uncomfortable when its a bad day, and won't willingly be around many people, but since Julie has seen me in the craziest situations, there was no decision whether or not to go, after all, she buys me clothes at Walgreens, and when me & my UH had a HUGE fight, she came over to get me, and there in the passenger seat sits her UH, I said NO UH's, that man flew to the very back of the van & stayed there, can you imagine??? I am lucky I am still allowed to come over, and that had to be about 8 years ago!!! Another night out her UH was ordering my UH to just make love, we to this day, don't know exactly why, another time he ordered MY UH to paint the living room so, my UH did, he doesn't listen to me when I ask!!
 There is a  woman named Ginny who we see all over town, she does not like to be spoken to but she is quite friendly, she smiles & waves, Ginny is known for her wardrobe she is down right proud of what she wears, and loves for others to notice it, when ever we are out we ride around in hopes of seeing her, and what she is  wearing, today we hit pay dirt, or I should say I hit pay dirt!!
 I no sooner said to Julie that we haven't seen Ginny in ages, and with that Ginny walks right down the isle! I am literally out of control, saying turn around, turn around, then I kick Julie, my shoe goes flying and she is still not looking, now I am multitasking, putting on my shoe hoping Ginny is still here, and there she is dressed in turquoise leggings, with yellow polka dots, with a turquoise & yellow sleeveless shirt, and a headband with a daisy in it, Well, there is NO JULIE!!
 I go back to the table and I say where were you, she said I had to pay the check, I said OMGosh you just missed Ginny, we don't usually see Ginny in eateries, so this was a treat, I am dead serious seeing her can pull you out of a downer in no time, she just has that specialness about her, to me God is using her over & over to cheer others, her place in life may not be glamorous, although to her, us & many others, she really is glamorous!! We each value things in different ways, and to us Ginny is a blessing, I can't tell you how many situations Ginny has turned around for us. And she is just so Happy ALL the time.
 Bryon is Julie's dad, he recently moved here due to health concerns, he lives across the street from me, and 2 minutes from Julie, he recently had a triple by pass, and my UH had one years ago, so Terry went over there and spent time with him talking about the heart surgery & his Church and put on a video about Oregon where they are from.
 When I got home, I finally got the call from the office that my wood floors are going down Tues or Wed, I can't wait, because if they picked Friday I would be crying because I want to see the royal's get married.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

THE FISH TANK

When you walk into my living room, we have a breakfast bar, that we hardly use, heck, we have a dining table that seats 6, that we hardly use, like many of todays "All American" families, we all eat around the TV set, although it may not be a good way to bond with your children, the conversations are never limited, or boring, and from where I stand, well, ok sit I think we find out more about their lives in an informal relaxed setting, and spend more quality time with them.Try and tell them so, and I will never own up to it!!!...LOL
 So, we decided to put 2 fish tanks, on the breakfast bar, w/o backgrounds, so you can see through the fish tank, from the kitchen & living room. My dream would have been to get 1 LARGE fish tank, with those big beautiful fish I can't afford
 Well, today was just another day, we had a DDD home visit scheduled for Cody,{which will be my next blog} The DDD team arrived, and some how it came up that I had recently had a stroke, and the woman, of the team said, " you don't look like you had a stroke" AGAIN, another person telling me I don't look like I had a stroke,well this woman happened to be in the wrong place at the WRONG time, I was very polite, BUT, said, and how am I supposed to look? Unless I had a severe stroke, am I to look a certain way,? MY balance issues were no longer an issue, so there was no reason for a cane or walker, I still have obvious speech issues, that manifest all on their own. OH Yes, I guess I never went and had that Big S embroided on my shirt! You know the Scarlett letter, And seeing me for 5 minutes as we both sat, what symptoms am I supposed to be displaying?? Am I supposed to be sitting there giving you the raspberries?? How should my slight weakness on my left side be obvious to you, have you asked me to hold a glass full of water, that I can accommodate you with, because THAT I WOULD drop, had I not told you I had a stroke, then you would just think she accidentally dropped that.This woman must have thought, well we know where her stroke effected her, she is NUTS!!
 Now back to those fish tanks, when we go to the pet store whether it be us or our children, for as young as I can remember them , we always look  for the prettiest fish, right??? At first look do we know that that pretty fish was ill or ever had been. I can tell you from experience NO!! I have brought home some gorgeous fish, and a week later I am returning a dead fish with the receipt, so I can get another fish!  What is more relaxing than being in a doctors office with a huge fish tank full of beautiful fish, I can stare at it forever, and they are so relaxing. I thought the good thing about having my kind of stroke is that nothing obvious changed, I wouldn't endure the stares & questions of those who suffer from cancer, bless their hearts!! 
 I am sure that this case worker only meant well, she probably didn't have a malicious bone in her body, and as I said I was polite, but,, I am getting darn right angry about people telling me I don't look like I have had a stroke, and if there is anyone out there with the handbook, can you tell me what I am supposed to look like?!!?
 As a society in general NONE of us SHOULD have to look a certain way, I am always told Cody doesn't look autistic, well what does autism look like? It doesn't!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

TERRIBLE TUESDAY

 I have noticed one thing post stroke, I never seem to know what day it is, I was about to name this Blog Manic Monday, and the stroke fairy had to remind me it was terrible Tuesday!!
 This week, mind you, we are only 2 days into, it has been a tough one. I am getting a lot of emails, & How R U feeling? on my threads, so I thought I would address that issue today.
 Just yesterday at Dept of economic security, the case worker said You don't LOOK like you had  STROKE, I almost had a melt down, is there a certain "look"? Does everyone with the flu, look the same, display the same symptoms, and get better in the same time period? I found that to be the most insulting comment, and Lord knows there have been a bunch of insensative comments from people. As we are leaving the hospital are we given a handbook, every stroke victim MUST READ. With a list of things you are expected to do, day 1, day 2   etc.
 Strokes effect different parts of your brain, so that right there implies, no, two are going to be the same. Maybe because I refuse to let myself go and I did my hair, make up & jewelry, because that makes ME feel better, I don't know what it was, except that it was sarcastically directed towards me, and insinuating that I was abusing the system, which I am NOT~
 Life post stroke, can be so frustrating at times, I will be in the middle of a conversation, and forget what I am talking about. Another example is the spell check on my computer is not working, so you have no idea how many times I have to write & rewrite my nightly blogs, honestly, it takes me about 2-3 hrs per blog, thankfully, my love of writing has made this tolerable.
 As I have said, no two people experience the same after effects, so I will basically describe a normal day of mine, post stroke. I wake up @6am for the kids, I take my first dosage of headache meds, which are NOT stroke related, and then I go back to bed, shamefully until atleast 10-12,and my headache is usually gone it then, literally take me a good 2 hrs to get in the shower, dressed, made up etc. and then if I am needed at an appointment, I go and come home very exhausted, and by usually 6pm, I have very little energy, the meds I am taking cause fatigue, also, and so does the post stroke.
 On a day that I am NOT going out, I am able to get things done, because I have more energy being able to move at my own pace.In time, I am sure that this is all going to improve, and for now, it's one day at a time. I look forward to events coming up, but, also set realistic goals for myself.
 I don't know why there seems to be so many of us from Bay Shore that have had strokes, thankfully, God has brought us all together via facebook!
 My 16 yr old daughter is going to have her own stroke, when she gets home, it seems her boy friend came here looking for her, and I was in a night gown @1pm, with my hair all over the place, and when I asked who he was and he said Jesus Giutierez, my first thought w/o delay was, she is going to kill me!!! We have yet to meet, and this was NOT the plan!!!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Take a number, & wait until we call, you and humiliate you!

 Yet another evening of not sleeping well, it was the worst night I had in ages. The puppies insisted on playing all night, by running up and down my body, I thought where are my grandchildren when I need them?? I was starting to feel sick, flu like, which is one of the side effects of my new medication, I am on a strange routine, I take it every 6 hrs so I am up until 12am, until the next dosage I take @ 6am. About 1am these dogs were just not going to quit and I knew if I didn't get some sleep, I would feel sick all day, so I left the dogs with Terry and went and slept with Jennifer and made sure the dogs were locked out! 
 I usually take my meds @ 6am and go back to sleep for a few hours and then get up, so I did as I usually do. I had told Terry to wake me at 9am because Dan was picking me up @ 11am, we were going to the Department of economic Security to try and find out why I do NOT make AZ citizen residency, except, I felt so sick I could barely move, it was terrible, and the fatigue was overwhelming. I asked Terry is he could tell Dan to come @ 1 that there was no way I could get out of bed right now w/o vomiting & such. So, I went back to bed, woke up feeling a little better and tried to get myself together.Just encase you are wondering we are in the mid 90's, so it is anything but pleasant out doors
 When I first got up I explained the letter I got from DES TO DES and was told, we have no record of you dropping off your information, proof of residency, signing my lease etc. I said, I most certainly did drop off all of that on March 18 and I had it in front of me, stamped by the DES stamp. SO, they claimed this would be easy, come in ask for a supervisor and give all the info to her and everything would be approved, NOTHING ever goes easy for me, first of all I had to wait on a 45 min line, because not one would listen to me, I finally got hear and was told, we have no record of this, I showed them, told them I had a stroke & was becoming very tired & this needs to be rectified today, with that, "the pleasant" worker said, you don't look like you had a stroke. Well, I found that rather insulting, because YOU are UNAWARE of the almost hour & 1/2 it now takes me to get ready, and the process of getting ready depletes all my energy, and she has NO KNOWLEDGE that I care for a handicap son & husband, and I have no car, so to keep going down there is no easy task, and the list goes on, right now, where I am in my life, everything is exhausting, it is not how I choose to live  FEW months from turning 50,
 Nada, nothing, not a thing got taken care of today, I was told in a very angry sarcastic voice that she will process my application when she gets around to it, and there would be no date or anything else that would narrow it down, it could take up to 90 days.
 Well that was that for me, I honestly had no energy left in me, and I calmly said, that I have done all that I could humanly do to work with you people and you have put a road block up at every opportunity, that they have left me no other choice, I will be contacting the media tomorrow, and just because I am applying for services doesn't make me trash, they are messing with the WRONG people, my husband was an attorney for 30 years, and these sleeping dogs will not lie!!!

 I am not the kind of person that can be w/o medical insurance, I have heart issues, diabetes,had a stroke, have terrible occipital neuralgia, which medication is very expensive. I literally feel like I have been kicked in the gutt by the "system" well this "system" is NOT going to win this time!!!!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Grocery store Pat down

 I have all kinds of anxiety running through my mind today, tomorrow morning I will be  dealing with the department Of Economic Security, regarding my not making residency requirements, All I can honestly say is WTH???, I have tried to analyze it, think of how mistakes could have been made, and they are so simple, I just can't notice them, you name it, and I am pretty sure I have thought it!
 Post stroke I am hardly the poster child for mental health, so I am calling on you, Lord, to get me through this one, because I don't want to be a sound bite, " crazy New Yorka looses it at Dept of Econ Sec" news @ 6 
 Yep, that would be me, the pale skinned blonde, with blue eyes, I guess I defected from Finland or something, and I am a double agent, by giving me medical assistance puts this country at GREAT risk, and then when you add my 16 yr old daughter to the mix, it is a downright code ORANGE, not only will you have to survive the "pat down" at the airport, as long as I am on the loose you will endure a pat down at the grocery store while you are checking out. You can never be to careful!
 Seriously, what they REALLY don't get is by cutting my medical puts ME at a great risk, and damnit I was born in this country and I deserve the same benefits as everyone else. 
 Tomorrow I will up date you, please say a prayer for me, tonight!!!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Deedle Does Mettalica

 Oh my stars, I am just viewing the status updates, and my daughter Megan posts a video of Deedle doing Metallica!!
 I am too computer illiterate to save & post this video to my blog, so It is on my FB wall. Also, I think my computer has some issues, must be like me!!
 Ok, you are saying who the heck is Deedle?? I may have mentioned him in blogs before, because if you know our family you KNOW Deedle!
 When Cody was 1 yr old, he adopted Megan's cabbage patch doll w/o Megan's permission, shall we say/ This was when his problems were  really starting to become apparent, and he made up his own language, and Deedle became the cabbage patch dolls name/
 Unless you have truly been around an autistic you have no idea how much they believe these dolls, animals etc.
 are real
 I have disciplined Deedle at the dinner table more times than I have all 5 of my kids put together, Cody is now 17 1/2 and insists on taking Deedle where ever we go, through counseling, we have been trying to work on that issue.
 He honestly believes he is real, and I believe so do we, we address him by name, say good morning Deedle, and ask his opinion on things.
 I promise you, we are not crazy! This is about the 3rd Deedle, thanks to ebay & thrift stores, and every time he looses a Deedle, I cry like I have lost a member of my family.
 He has had teachers that have made Deedle clothes for Christmas gifts, Deedle has trick or treated more times than I can count, and he has his own language, as you can hear on the video, Deedle comforts you, when you are sick or down, he sticks up for you, if someone upsets you, and he makes an awful lot of noise!
 BUT, We can not imagine our family w/o Deedle, he has been around longer than Jennifer......   LOL!!
 AS you can see Deedle does like to rock out, but, right now we are working on keeping Deedle home to help mommy, instead of going in public so often, people can be cruel, and trust me, they take the opportunity when given.
 I honestly can't imagine my life w/o Deedle, now THAT makes me sound certifiable!!!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

ARIZONA RESIDENCY REQUIREMENTS HAVE NOT BEEN MET

 Last night, I did not sleep very well, I am not sure why, I woke up @ 6am and took my first dosage of meds, went back to bed, and woke up a few hours later, headache free, & motivated!! Woot-woot!!
 Dan L came by, and we went and re signed my apartment lease for another year, and went to sonic for lunch. We sat outside and ate, it was sunny, and about 85, it was very nice & relaxing.
 For the past year my daughter Jennifer & I have been receiving social services, medical, my husband is disabled and on social security, and you have to be on it 2 years to qualify for medicaid, and he is a few months shy of that, & Cody is on Arizona long term because of his disability.
 Let me just start with this, as of this August I will be a residence of Az for 21 years, and I was born an American citizen in N.Y. Nothing about my status has changed in the past year, that would suddenly cause me to not live up to the requirements of AZ residency.
 Now, REMEMBER how AZ has been in the news this past year because of their strict immigration laws, I will NOT give my political opinion on this, because I know from past experience giving my political opinion on FB, only leads to trouble. I WILL SAY, it is disturbing to me, knowing that I am a legal resident of AZ, and having been denied services, that I have been receiving for a year, now
 Just last night, on a friends thread we were discussing random drug tests for people receiving public assistance, and I am all for that, I do not, nor would I EVER abuse the system, and they can test me, video tape, what ever they want!
 Let me introduce you to my life, My husband had a major stroke,in 2007 he was an attorney, he was left with a lot of damage and was unable to work, we sold our home of 18 years , moved into a 2 bedroom apartment, where each child has their own room, we sleep in the living room on a sofa bed, we do NOT own a vehicle, we use public transportation, which is not cheap $5 round trip bus, we live on less than $2000 a month, and make too much money to qualify for food stamps.
 NOW, it was 3 weeks ago that I had a stroke, I am going to pain management for DJD, and Occipital neuralgia, I am diabetic, and have heart issues, I take no fewer than 10 pills a day, none of which I will be able to afford w/o insurance,why do I open up and tell you so much about my private finances? Because there are MANY me's out there and someone has to speak up, because it is just NOT fair.
 My family has generation, after generation of people serving in the US military, we have paid into the system, I have personally helped people with food & money when I had it, and they didn't.
 Do you know what it is like to not be able to just jump in the car & go where you need to go? or go to a movie etc?
 When I am depressed on FB a lot of you don't know completely how difficult my situation is, I am not whining, I have learned to live with it, and make the best of what I can, but the thought of being cut off of medical enrages me, when, I am sorry, I know A LOT of illegal citizens right here in my apartment complex, that get all kinds of benefits, and they have cars,and other things that I can not afford.
 All I am asking for is what I feel I am entitled to as an American citizen!
 I was fortunate enough to have been a stay at home mom, so I haven't worked in 30 years, I am also considered disabled, but, because I haven't worked I can't get soc sec disability, and they said we would make too much if I got SSI. I just don't understand the system, and how it works, all I do know, is right now I am so angry & afraid at once.
 Needless to say I spent all day trying to contact the Dept of Economic Security, I got operators, after voice mails, after you need to talk to so and so, and I NEVER spoke to ANYONE that could assist me, so now I have had to make arrangements with a friend to take me down there on Monday.
 I know that the weekend is going to be a living hell,with my health issues right now, I can not be w/o insurance,I honestly don't know what we will do, it is NOT helping me to avoid stress like they told me to do, and as I type, I have a headache.
 I never thought that I would totally expose myself & my situation like this, but, if it can happen to me, it can happen to ANYBODY, we were living a comfortable life, with 5 children, a home, a pool, 2 cars, just like you, and all in ONE night everything changed, life as I knew it was over, this all happened in Nov 07, and it has taken us until now to have somewhat accepted it and work with it, instead of against it. I hope this helps you to understand where a lot of my depression comes from.
 We have 2 teenagers that we can't even drive around to do the things that normal teens do. ALL I can say is Thank God for friends & public transportation, and we found an apartment that is located close to shopping & such.
 I am not a low life, I am you, and this can happen to you as easily as it happened to me! Be Thankful for what you do have, and PLEASE keep us in your prayers!!!




Thursday, April 14, 2011

Medication Day 1

 Today was day one of my new medication, I am placing so much importance on it, because, basically the doctor said, we have tried everything else, so if this doesn't work, sadly, my life will be living with a daily headache.
 Terry and I both over slept, which is common for me, but, not him. I still had plenty of time to get ready. I was taking Julie out to lunch for her birthday. We both have been on diets and we were treating ourselves to sonic for desert. I had an orange cream slush which I thoroughly enjoyed.
 When I woke up I had the usual headache, and had my first dosage of medication, it lessened the headache to where it was just dull.
 After being out with Julie for over 2 hrs, I came home, and had something I haven't had in ages, ENERGY!!! SO, I opened all the windows, it was beautiful out 80, and breezy, and gave the apartment a real good cleaning, with the help of the puppies, who just loved being out on the patio where they can run around. We live in an apartment, with a very large patio, that has a 4ft wall all around it, so that's the closest thing to a back yard they have, and we also have a doggy park here, so that's a real treat for them.
 I can honestly say I had a few hours today without a headache at all, which felt great, and the medication I am taking takes time to build in your system, so I am VERY hopeful, that this may do the trick!
 Unfortunately, I did experience 1 side effect, I was nauseous all day, so tomorrow, I am going to call the doctor for some anti nausea meds.
 Tomorrow, I also have a busy day planned, I have to re sign my lease, I can't believe it has been 13 mos, already, and lucky for me, due to the economy my rent will be staying the same, AND I will be getting wood floors, by the end of the month. I have some errands to run, and then lunch with my friend Dan L, Not my ex husband!!!! LOL, whenever I say I am going out with Dan people think I mean the ex!!!
 I pray I am able to sleep well tonight, and that I wake up headache free, or at least the meds make my day easier! And I never will take for granted waking up feeling well, because that is a gift, there are so many people that never wake up feeling well, and it is a horrible way to live, and you do not have much quality of life.
 Good night friends!

Rest In Peace Patty

 As I said yesterday, too many people I know have died in the past 10 days. 
 My daughter Jennifer has a friend named Lexi, Jennifer became very close to Lexi & her family last year when Terry & I were separated. Lexi's mom had 2 sisters, Laurie & Patty and the treated Jennifer as if she were their own, Jennifer was very fond of them.
 Last June, Laurie, over dosed on pain medication and died at the young age of 49, she left behind a 12 year old son, her situation was extremely sad, her husband was an alcoholic, and she used pain medicine to numb the pain, and she took too much, it was not a planned suicide. It was Jenn's first experience with death and it was very hard on her, I attended the wake & funeral with her, because I didn't know if she could handle the experience, as always, Jennifer did incredibly well, I have made many mistakes parenting, but, one thing I have done right is raise Jennifer to be strong, self sufficient, and to never have to depend on anyone else, she almost had no choice, but to be that kind of person with Cody's handicap, and my years of being down with my back issues.
 Unfortunately, early in the week Jenn received a text message at 4am that Lexi's other aunt Patty passed away, she was also young, early fifty's! Lexi's mom S has lost both her sisters suddenly in less than a year, she is single, and has no other family, & Lexi is her only child.
 Tonight is the wake & funeral is tomorrow, so I let Jennifer go w/o me, since I started my new medication  plan today, I didn't think that I could handle the circumstances of a wake among mostly strangers.
 So, as I type this Jennifer is at the wake, and will attend the funeral tomorrow, my prayers & heart goes out to S & her daughter Lexi.
 And AGAIN I say, life is too short to major on the minors, or let little things bring us down, enjoy what you have, even if it is not much, there are many things that we ALL have that are priceless, try and not loose focus of those things because they are what matters the most. You really never know when you will see "that person" again

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Pain Managment

 Earlier today I mentioned I had a doctors appointment, it was for 2:30, God is always good to me, he put us in this incredibly small waiting room with a woman who was a New Yorka, and she was so entertaining, and helped pass the time. And there sure was a lot of time, it took them an hour & 15 minutes to even call us in!
 So, we went over my stroke & the results of the many tests I had in the hospital, and things were a bit worse than I had originally been told. My DJD is very bad, layers deep through out my entire spine & neck, in the near future I may require neck surgery. And those paralyzing headaches I wake up with everyday are not going to go away, it is complicated, but in laymans terms, my occipital nerve is pinched by my cervical discs and surgery will not help that, because the scar tissue will cause the same pain as the pinched nerve is.
 SO, controlling the pain has become the main priority right now, and my options, were many, many of which I have tried. We finally decided on a pain plan, which I will start tomorrow, and I am a bit nervous about the plan that we chose. My husband is going to be monitoring me, and we go back in 2 weeks to see how things are going.
 I also found out the weakness on my left side is most likely permPublish Postanent, but, it's not so bad, so I can live with it. As far as the speech & confusion, they are not sure right now, my biggest mistake was not going to the hospital when I thought I had the stroke, for everyone out there, even if you just THINK you MIGHT be having a stroke, go to the ER immediately, it can save your life!!
 I have many spots on my brain, and there is no way to tell which are from the headaches or stroke, and between that and being diabetic I am at risk of having another stroke.
 But, on a very good note, my stroke, has brought my husband and I together like it was before HIS stroke, I think me having a stroke, & feeling everything I felt, enabled me to know exactly what he went through, and his stroke was so much worse than mine. He has been amazing, I honestly don't know what I would do w/o him right now, because I am not able to do much, and he has picked up the slack,
 I thank all of you who have been praying for me and , that you would continue to pray that my new meds will help me with these headaches!

My Friend V

 As I sit here this afternoon, nervous as heck because I have a doctor's appointment, I decided to get on FB. , and a dear friend of mine V posted an article about life with lupus, well, I know and have known people with lupus, and thought I knew what it was, but reading this article, I had NO IDEA, anyone, who has a friend with lupus or any disease for that matter should learn what they can about it, so you can truly understand what their day to day life is like. 
 My cousin just passed 10 days ago of MS, and I thought I knew all about that, too, but, I didn't, I had no idea she would go so fast and so young 33.
 The scary part about reading the article V posted, was my life is not so far off from hers, between the different ailments I am dealing with right now, I experience the lack of energy and so limited as to how much I can actually do in a day, and believe me it is not much, taking 2 hrs to get up & shower, just a day out with a friend and I am spent the next day, taking handfuls of medication at a time, it is not where I thought my life would be at almost 50.
 Thankfully, I have my husband home and he picks up the slack, in all my years I NEVER thought I'd see him vacuum, now he does it more than I do, if he were not here I don't know what I would do, which brings me back to V, I wish that some of us lived closer to her so that we could help her. She does not have a significant other, and lives alone, my heart goes out to her,
 We have been sending around on FB that little status about FB being our on line mental hospital, well it is that, but more than that for people like V & Myself, that have a limited lifestyle due to health reasons, sometimes just a comment will make our day, just to know people are thinking of us!
 And V, she has a never ending sense of humor, you can't beat her, no matter what you come back with, she's got you beat! And when she writes, she writes so beautifully, I understand she inherited that from her dear mother. 
 We need to keep her condition in daily prayer, she is always the one to pull us out of depression or whatever we are going through, when meanwhile, she is struggling just to get through her day, and most of us don't even realize that!
 So, as I sit here worrying about this doctors appointment, V's life gives me hope, and strength that I will handle whatever the results are and if I have to, take 2 handful of pills at a time I will.
 Thank you V for your blog, as usual perfect timing! we all love you & are praying for you, ALWAYS!!!! Can't wait to see you in May, Boy, will Tom's ears be ringing!!!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My Partner in Crime

  It's 110+ and 2 fat women are standing at a blue car with a set of keys trying like hell to get into this car, we were at it for a good 20 minutes, and nothing was working! My son Daniel stopped at the post office & picked up a package for me, and gave me his car keys, at work, and told me to retrieve the package. We finally had to go in his work, OH YES!! that made his day here comes mommy & her friend, so, he comes out to the parking lot and to our surprise we were trying to get in a car that was NOT his. This car is parked in my drive way EVERYDAY, but I did not know it from another, thats just a typical day when we go out.
 For years we weren't too worried because we figured Terry had our back, he was a lawyer, and encase we accidentially got into trouble he could take care of it, but we no longer have that coverage.
 Another day, we had gone out for lunch, we call ourselves the food critics of Phoenix, because we check out every little thing about every place we eat, and to this day, I don't think we have found ANY that would rate a 10, boy do I miss my New York food, Julie is from Oregon, and I think she really likes the fact that I am a New Yorka, because she likes the slang & such, she finds my pocabook hilarious, here you have a purse!
 Then w/o going into major details, we went out for Italian, and on the way home, I announced we needed to pull into the Mc Donalds I saw on the corner, IMMEDIATELY, well, the food didn't agree with me, and a poor maybe 16 yr old kid is chasing behind me with a mop, Yea, not good!! By the time I get to the stall, there is not one piece of clothing, except my bra that isn't covered.
 I am anouncing   to Julie, in my rather loud N.Y. voice that I have no clothes, how am I going to leave McDonalds, we are far from home, The only store that was close was Walgreens, so she leaves me sitting on the thrown, and buys me clothes in WALGREENS!!! How many of you can say you clothes shop in Walgreens??? I guess beggers can't be choosy, they only has 1 size SMALL, and I was much heavier then, we are stuffing my body into these sweat pants, and I am saying this is just not going to happen, plus its 100 degrees and I am stuffed in small sweat pants, with a shirt that was so tight, it flattened my boobs as if I didn't have any. It is so funny now, but, OMGosh when it was happening I could have just died, a good friends son teases me when I visit by bringing out a mop!!
 Julie & I suffer, but, not so much anymore, of moving furniture, and I don't mean just move the couch and a table or 2, we switch rooms completely, and usually get our wires all twisted up, and can't unwind them, and every dang time, we are panicking that the UH's are coming home & they are going to blow, but, we NEVER learn, because we would do it over & over. We didn't care if things were in our way, we would just knock it down & break it, and not care, it was insane. Thankfully we have gotten too old to do that anymore, and with my UH home all day, it;s impossible to do here, because he would literally have a stroke if he saw how we moved the furniture, the banging, and scratching etc.
 There are so many funny stories, and some you just HAD to be there, but, I must say she is the BEST hospital buddy in the world, when my back was bad, she would take me to the ER and we would make it fun, we were asked to keep our voices down, and one time, they had me in a room with sliding glass doors and they locked us in, I suppose we were too loud, they wouldn't believe I was in pain, because we would be laughing so hard!!!
 Well, I just wanted to say, HAPPY 51ST BIRTHDAY to you!!
 I CAN NOT imagine my life w/o you, no one can make me laugh like you do, and you know what I am going to say before it comes out of my mouth, we are always on the same page, & understand things that others would probably think we should be in the funny farm for, don't worry, we may end up there at some point, but, if we go together & share a room, the place will never be the same.
 When we are broke, which is most of the times we go on what we call "runs" we drive in the areas in town where all the funny looking people are walking the streets, and we laugh so hard we pee, you can't imagine what kind of things we see, forget People of Walmart, they have NOTHING on the people of our runs!!
 So Jewie as Cody calls you, we have a lot of fun times a head of us, and thanks so much for being my friend & getting me through so MUCH stuff!!!   XOXOX

AN Act Of God

 Last night was a night to go down in the record books, and It also reminded me of a scripture verse, THROUGH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.....2 years ago, May, my son Scott moved to the east coast, due the the economy he has not been able to afford a visit home.
 Last Tuesday morning, I get a call, WELL THE TRUCK IS PACKED...OKAY, WHAT TRUCK???? And he proceeds to tell me that he & his dad, are on their way back to Phoenix~~ I was very excited to have him home & back in the day to day things of life/ And in a recent blog I discussed how me & My Ex cleared the air when I had my stroke.
 SO, last night the 2 of them came over, and home here was me, Terry, Cody & Jenn Nicole, we actually had a nice visit, I showed him pictures of my trip to Orlando last June, because he graduated with a lot of those people. Everybody got along, and everyone was relaxed & comfortable, If that is not an act of God, nothing is.
 My ex and I have a history, we have been divorced 18 years married 12,, and there were times where we were good to each other, when Jenn Nicole was born, she was in NICU for 11 days, He moved in our house & took care of all 4 kids, and that included Cody who is not his son, he stayed almost 2 weeks.
 Another time he lost all his belongings on a moving truck, and I got him, between what I had & my friends all the items he needed to furnish an apartment.
 BUT, we have had some TERRIBLE times, there will always be a connection, and I suppose always be some anger, because we don't see things the same way. I apologized for my part of the divorce and he said some equal things I needed to hear. SO, Please JESUS, for the sake of the 5 kids, 2 grands & 2 in laws, I pray that we can keep things civil, and friendly, it makes it so much easier for the kids, lets face it, no matter how old you are, you want your parents to get along.
 I am not a holy roller, but, I believe in God, and the Bible, & totally understand why the Bible condemns divorce, the kids are the ones that suffer the most. If you could have an amicable divorce for the sake of the kids, PLEASE do so, because I believe there are issues my kids would not be dealing with as adults, had we gone about our divorce differently.
 It is NEVER too late to fix things, and never too late for happily ever after, so please try and move forward, in a positive way, and on those bad days allow yourself to feel weak, angry or whatever emotion you are feeling. 
 As I always say I like to learn a lesson from EVERY experience I have in life, good, bad or otherwise, and I am struggling right now, as you all know with family issues, my outside family, not kids & hubby, and seeing that my ex & I can make peace has given me the hope that things can work with the rest of the family, maybe a needed break now, is the plan, I don't know, I just know it hurts, but, I have had a lot of support from a lot of people, and I truly appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. If you have friends reaching out to you, as hard as it is, take their hand, that is where I struggle, I find that hard to do, and I find it hard to talk about the situation w/o the flood gates opening, and that is just who I am, I have a certain few that I open up to, but, it is usually when things feel so out of control, instead of opening up right away. As I said, Life is a lesson, we are all learning something everyday!
 In the past 10 days 4 people I know have passed away, 2 were very young, I don't deal with death well, and it has me in such a funk, life is short, and I wish we could not major on the minors, and enjoy the time we have with one another, because we really don't know how quickly things can change.
 If I could go back & change my emotional reaction to what I took as rejection, I would, but, unfortunately, I can only say I am sorry, and I have done that many times!!
 Enjoy your family, enjoy your life, and if you are dealing with heavy issues, try and make the best out if it, if not for yourself, than for your kids etc. Because if I could do it all over, I sure would make a lot of changes!!!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

One People Of One Nation

 SO much for me stopping the blogging! God is good, and he has had all kinds of people reach out to me in the past few hours that I feel better, and needed to write.
 It started with 2 events, both on FB, the first one was that I launched a balloon in my cousin Joanne's name, and I am excited to see all the places it has already made it to, I can't wait for morning to see where it has been and where it is now!
 The second thing is, I was reading my friend L's thread and she said she passed 2 churches today, one was predominately  white, and the other black, but, the bar she passed was filled with blacks, white, Asians, Hispanics etc. Isn't the church supposed to be the example, not the exception? 
 I live in Arizona, and we all know the immigration debate that has been going on here, and I do not intend on giving my political opinion, because I learned the hard way on facebook not to,. I just want to say, as I tell my children, there are GOOD people of all races, and there are BAD people of all races,
 I recently had a stroke, and I had complications, and it was a young Mexican nurses first day on the job, this woman hardly spoke ANY English, but she spoke my language, PAIN, I can tell you w/o her I never would have made it through that day, her kindness, and understanding, she was attentive, loving and just a plain angel! I can tell you the rest of the staff was nothing like her, and she was reprimanded for giving me too much time, here the poor woman is doing her job, and gets in trouble, pain, & situations are supposed to be wrapped up into a time period???
 Then 3 years ago, at dusk in a bad area my car engine goes on fire, a black man stopped, who was riding his bike, I was in a not so nice area, and had no cell phone. This man, who I also refer to as an angel, stayed with me, he did not want me alone in the dark in that area, he let me use his cell AND he used hisAAA membership to tow my car home. This man ended up being from where else??New York!! We get such a bad rep, don't we, when I think New Yorkas are the most helpful people, they just tell it like it is, if they don't like you, you know it, here in AZ they act like they like you and then they knife you in the back!!!
 I can go on and on about "racial" stories, and people it is 2011, Children learn what they live and if you are teaching deversion in your home, you are starting a new generation of predjudice, it's time that we except people because of who they are not if they are fat, hispanic, black, white etc. 
 When you meet someone new look at them as a PERSON, and block everything else out, and then decided if you like this person, if you don't, there is no reason to be cruel. Life is too short, so why can't we all just live & enjoy, and be there to support one another, and just stay away from those we don't like w/o trashing them. They say the US is the melting pot of America, well lets act like it!!!

The traveling balloon

Kimmy just launched a new balloon named Joanne Christiansen!
if you look in the sky and see the brightest star, that would be me, I passed away last Sunday @ 33 yrs old of MS, I fought the hard fight, and I lived life to the fullest! I loved Kareoke, and when I was a kid I loved to dance, and participated in many recitals. I was out going, expressed my opinions, and was very funny. I leave behind a LARGE loving family from all over the United states, please pass the balloon on in my memory, and lets see how far it can go! I am originating in Phoenix, AZ, sent by my cousin Kimmy Daly LaVoie, & her family, Terry, Cody, Jenn, Megan, Jolie, Maddox, Ben, Scott, Daniel & Jessica May God bless you & keep you, and now we all have a new guardian angel!!! XOXOXO Jo Jo!!
Status: Give support
 Please follow my cousins balloon on FB and lets see if we can reach every stat in the US in her momory!!

Good night Blog, Good night Moon

 It is becoming harder & harder to blog, something that came so easily, is now difficult. A good friend said, maybe you shouldn't put yourself out there like that on the blog/ I suppose they are probably right, but, me putting myself out there is part of who I am, I wear my emotions on my sleave, and if you ask me what is wrong you are going to get the truth, not a candy coated lie. I realize not everyone is comfortable expressing their feelings, especially heavy duty feelings or reading somebody elses feelings that are beyond basic.
 At this point everyone knows how I feel so, there is no point reposting it day in and day out, so there probably won't be any more blogging, and as far as FB I will check my messages, but will back off for the most part. I need to work on my depression, and keep close to the very few that live close to me, and are supporting me, A time like this is when you find out who your real friends & family are and I am finding, I am coming up short in that department. MY mom says I drove everyone  away, that could be so, but she has yet to understand that my stroke is effecting my mental state and that not much time has gone by since I had it.
 Anyway, thank you all who were there for me, my sympathies to The Palm Coast Family, and Goodnight

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Loving Puppies, Rain & a Warm Quilt

 It was sometime around 3am that I FINALLY fell asleep. I decided to crack the window so I could really hear the rain coming down, and I collected the 3 puppies and their momma, Lacey, and grabbed a nice warm quilt, laid on the comfy couch, and the 4 of us slept there until after 10am.
 There is something about puppies that give you comfort, and they don't talk back, unless you are my dog Treasure, he thinks he is human, and will try & have a conversation with you when you tell him no.
 Lucy is the only female of the litter and she looks just like Lacey her mom, but, has her dad, Sammy's disposition, she was cuddling me,on my face and Wally came to join in on the loving and she started to growl, she wasn't about to share her attention.
 Wally, he is the runt of the litter, he is a loner, but loves to lay on the couch with you and watch TV when it's dark, he is so sweet, he looks just like his daddy did as a puppy, but has a much more mellow attitude. He melts your heart.
 Lacey or momma Lacey, as we call her now, is such a wonderful dog, as my dad says, if anyone broke in here Lacey would love them to death! She has been a great mother to the puppies.
 Sammy, the Morkie, Yorkie/maktese has major attitude, I call him my NY dog, he will bark at a rotwiler as if he  can go up against him, he knows everyone that comes in my home on a regular basis for YEARS, Yet he HAS to bark at them. The funny thing from day 1, he has NEVER barked at Dan Lane, and we joke about it all the time, and Lacey is in love with Dan Lane, also, if you are wondering why I am using his last name, when I say Dan people assume it's my ex husband, so I need o clarify.
 I have woken up to the same weather I went to bed with, and I am enjoying it, here in the desert we don't get much rain, only when Lenny& Debbie come!!!, 
 It would take me all day to thank each & everyone of you, so please know that you are not going un noted and I am deeply thankful for your friendship, and support.
 What am I going to do today? I HOPE see my son Scott, next month it will be 2 years since I have seen him, he has lived back East & today he is moving here, he & his dad will be staying with Megan, not sure when they will get in, so it will either be today or tomorrow that I will see him
 In closure I would like to say, my personal opinion is that a puppy or baby are the best medicine you can get, and if you are hurting try and spend time with one or the other, or if you are lucky enough, BOTH!!!
 There is a nice steady rain out there, and it is a comfortable 63 degrees, and my entire house hold is asleep, including all 6 puppies, except me. And it is PERFECT sleeping weather.  URGH!
 I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me today, whether it was by email, or phone call, it meant the world to me. I am sorry that I did not get on the phone with anyone, I tend to shut down & not communicate when I get like this, and post stroke, I am unable to articulate properly when I am upset, so please don't take it personally, It was a wonderful gesture to make, and I will always appreciate your friendships.
  Thank you, again!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Seasons of life

  I don't usually blog twice in one day, especially a day like I have had, I normally would shut down, and avoid people. I am trying to reach out to people, because I am discovering there are some darn good people out there! I have always believed God puts certain people in your life for a reason, and once that reason is complete, it is time for them to move on, or it is someone who is needed in your life permanentally. Unfortunately, we never know which person is there to stay and its a good thing, because if we knew they were leaving our life  we would hold back from truly loving this person.
 God has brought so many people in my life via FB and who knows who is meant to be there forever, well I think I am starting to find out, I am meeting people that have experienced a lot of the same things I have struggled with, and people I just have fun "playing" with on FB, and re connected with old HS friends and relatives I haven't seen in years & years. A year from now will they ALL be here, probably not, but, I am enjoying them, each & everyone as if today is our last. I don't want to take any relationships for granted or lose anymore important people in my life. 
 I learned a hard lesson this week, by loosing a big part of my family, and it may never be rectified, and I will have to live with that!...I also have to learn to live with the side effects from the stroke, and fortunately, there are a bunch of ladies on FB who have walked this walk, already and are willing to take me by the hand, and lead me....THANK YOU, It may be too late to get my family back, but, not too late to ruin any other relationships.
 To my surprise my husband has been WONDERFUL, he is one that goes before me, he had a massive stroke in 2007, and he was the first one to point out my symptoms being post stroke related. AS most of you know we have had a rocky marriage for the past 3 years, well, now I understand so much more, why his personality changed, I always like to learn a lesson from whatever experience I am going through, and todays lesson has been that I now REALLY understand what my husband has been dealing with, and how he really can't help himself with some stuff. He was so understanding today, and I felt we REALLY connected for the first time in 3 years, and I also see I handeled him ALL WRONG, like someone close to me is dealing with me, I had no patience in hearing that the stroke changed him mentally, when I look back, how can it NOT????
If anything good comes from this, I think we have just made strides in salvaging our marriage.
 My baby girl, she'd kill me, for saying so, she will be 16 in 2 weeks, has been of great support, and she validates me, and as sad as it is, I need that now, I Love you, Jenn Jenns
 Right now her biggest crisis is they shut the water off, and she CAN'T go to school w/o a shower, remember those days? Oh, what I would do to go back there for a little while!!!
 Since Monday, when my cousin passed, my head has been filled with nothing but mayhem, & selfish thoughts of wanting to be in Fla with everyone to help & grieve. Joanne & I weren't close for the past 20 years, I lived in AZ, she in Fla, we would talk when I visited, and keep in touch on FB, until she got too sick. I saw her last June, & I knew that that would be the last time I would see her, she was in pretty bad shape. In the car home, I discussed with my friends how I knew I would never see her again, and I was right.
 I remember when Joanne was adopted, I was an adult, she was only a few years older than my son Daniel & they played together. Joanne loved to talk, she also loved to dance, my mom would go to her recitals every year.
 I suppose I never said it enough, but My aunt & Uncle meant the world to me, and I always knew I could count on them, and the last thing I would want to do is cause them problems, at a time like this, I am so very sorry, and I know that is worth a can of beans right now, I just wanted to be there and help. And I am So Sorry!!
 When I would go for my visits w/o my kids, I would come home so relaxed, and planning for the next time I could go. I looked so forward to it and it was always so loving, Aunt B & Uncle D & the nieces & nephews, and all the younger kids, it was heart warming, and I loved it, and never wanted to go home, because my situation is not like that, I can't say more w/o causing a problem, so I will have to leave it at that. Terry & I have done our best since reconciling to make a better home for the kids, and it has been, mission accomplished, but, we long to have other family around, we miss that so much! And other than my older kids, there is no other family members that come around, it's more like we are a bother to come see than anything else.
 I will admit, I am still sitting her @10pm obsessing that my aunt & uncle will never speak to me again, but, I feel some peace, someone named Bronx posted on my blog, she HAD to be from NY, and she told it like it was, and made me feel so much better, Thank you Bronx, hopefully, someday you will tell me who you are!!!
 I so want to feel like me again, and I don't know if I ever will, so I pray God gives me the strength to come to terms with whatever my life is going to be like, I hope I don't make a habit of hurting people I love. I have a real problem with rejection, & it got a hold of me, and took on a life of it's own.
 I am sorry Mary Beth for complicating your life when you had way too much on your plate, please forgive me, you have always been one of my favorite cousins, & I don't want this to change things, but, from your stand point, how can it not??? AGain, I am VERY Sorry! and sorry to B, also, I read it my way, took it my way, and then felt destroyed. And you were all right, there is no way I could of attended th service & kept dry eyes, it is not in my make up, so my presence would have been a problem, I just didn't want to see that.
 I am NOT trying to blame everything on the stroke, but, you have no idea how much it has me messed up right now, and I guess part of me wanted to be out there with you all where I feel safe & loved, and could recooperate in peace, but, how can I think that when Joanne just passed away??
 I don't mean to be selfish or the many other names my mom called me today, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart and if you choose not to forgive me I understand that too, I hope I never know the pain of losing a child, and I just made it worse, I am sorry to everyone involved!

Aunt B Uncle D, Mom, MB & B

 2 1/2 weeks ago I had a mild stroke, or slight stroke as my mom calls it, is that just another way to make light of it? probably, because I am not allowed any "mistakes" excuses" etc. I have felt my whole life that I had to be perfect, and guess what??? I am not!!
 I just down graded my friends list by 300, and left only the people that I feel won't judge me, and are supportive, needless to say most of my family is off the list. and if you have a problem with depression than maybe you should delete me, yourself!
 I am living in hell right now, since I had my stroke, my head feels scrambeled, I don't know any other way to describe it, I get confused so easily, and when I am in a room with too many people talking, I cry and become confused. I can't remember things, and still have articulation issues.
 Monday my cousin Joanne passed away at 33 and it freaked me out, they live in Florida, her parents are like second parents to me, when I have a problem, I call my AUnt Barbara, I just wanted to be there for them, so I asked if I could come, and they thought it would be better if I didn't. I tried not to take that as rejection, but, with my mind the way it is and my issues handeling rejection, I didn't do so good. Then a cousin posted on FB that I would need to keep my composure & basically there would be no where for me to stay that the family had already made all the arrangements, this is for the service, May 6. So, again, I felt like I wasn't part of the family, and I couldn't help the 2 people that had always been there for me.
 Well, what I did was wrong & I am sorry, but, no one seems to understand that I am not myself right now because of the stroke, I sleep more than I am awake, simple things I can't do, I have to ask my husband to spell & read for me, it is horrible, could I even fly alone???? NO!!!!
But, honestly, my intentions were that I wanted to finally be there for them, and between me & my cousin, it got out of control. I had no idea that she is having major issues right now, and all of you know, I have had 3 1/2 years of issues, things were finally starting to work, and then the daily headaches started, and you know the rest from there!
 So, I apologize to my aunt & uncle I am sorry for how I have acted, I know I can't help it, doesn't cut it, but, I really am Not myself right now, and I only love you guys so much and wanted to help.
 Cousin B, I am sorry your comment upset me so much, I had no idea what is on your plate, and I know what its like because the 3 1/2 years I talk about were like that, Mary Beth, I am sorry you were in the middle, and my mother, I am sorry for saying I want no family, but, I have never felt like I fit in, no one ever measures up to Jimmy in my book, I am sorry, but that is just the way it is, if we are going to be honest.
 And in being honest, I suffer from depression, been on meds a year now, and it was like a wonder drug, I felt so good, and then the stroke, and I am right back to being in that black hole, I am not meaning to hurt, ANYONE, the sad part is I was trying to help, and in return, I have hurt everyone, and feel like I need mental help. I am sorry, please forgive me, and please try & not judge me.
 Mary Beth, can you please call Terry?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Wednesdays With Jessica

 Ok, so, it is only Tuesday, and a story like this should be written on a Wednesday, BUT< tomorrow, I am going out with Julie, and that ALWAYS makes for a great blog!
 I don't know how many of you have read Tuesdays with Maury? The book has been around a while, and Oprah made a movie of it, it was so heart warming. I love to read, and usually read true crime, biographies etc. but, this book stood out, and I was blessed to have read it!
 Ok, so, last year when I first moved into my very first apartment that was just me & Cody, I would have Jessica over for dinner on Wed nights, Who's Jessica, you ask? My sons fiance, right not they are n a civil union, LOL, more on that later!!!
 I would really look forward to it, I would cook all my best recipes, and my older kids would hear what I was cooking, and say WHAT??? We don't get that when we come over!
 We would talk, eat and get to know one another. And , of course talk we would always end up talking about Daniel when he was a baby & growing up. Isn't it funny, how you remember so much about your first, and by your fifth, you are doing good if you know their name. Sheesh, I practically remember how many bowel movements a day Daniel had, with Jennifer, it would be, HEY did you poop today???
 And pictures, OMG, I have books & books of Daniel, poor Jennifer has half that.
 So, I would give Jessica some baby pictures & pics when he played basketball in HS, and we would talk about the kind of kid he was. I do not favor any of my kids, but, Daniel was my first and just happened to be the most behaved, I honestly only remember having a handful of arguments with him his entire home life!
 So, our visit would end, and right away I would think what can I cook next week, and look forward to Wed of the next week.
 How does life get so busy that the simple, important stuff gets put on hold? the things that really mean the most!!
 Daniel & Jessica's civil union will be coming up soon!! It's a good one.
 Have a terrific Tuesday everyone