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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Aunt B Uncle D, Mom, MB & B

 2 1/2 weeks ago I had a mild stroke, or slight stroke as my mom calls it, is that just another way to make light of it? probably, because I am not allowed any "mistakes" excuses" etc. I have felt my whole life that I had to be perfect, and guess what??? I am not!!
 I just down graded my friends list by 300, and left only the people that I feel won't judge me, and are supportive, needless to say most of my family is off the list. and if you have a problem with depression than maybe you should delete me, yourself!
 I am living in hell right now, since I had my stroke, my head feels scrambeled, I don't know any other way to describe it, I get confused so easily, and when I am in a room with too many people talking, I cry and become confused. I can't remember things, and still have articulation issues.
 Monday my cousin Joanne passed away at 33 and it freaked me out, they live in Florida, her parents are like second parents to me, when I have a problem, I call my AUnt Barbara, I just wanted to be there for them, so I asked if I could come, and they thought it would be better if I didn't. I tried not to take that as rejection, but, with my mind the way it is and my issues handeling rejection, I didn't do so good. Then a cousin posted on FB that I would need to keep my composure & basically there would be no where for me to stay that the family had already made all the arrangements, this is for the service, May 6. So, again, I felt like I wasn't part of the family, and I couldn't help the 2 people that had always been there for me.
 Well, what I did was wrong & I am sorry, but, no one seems to understand that I am not myself right now because of the stroke, I sleep more than I am awake, simple things I can't do, I have to ask my husband to spell & read for me, it is horrible, could I even fly alone???? NO!!!!
But, honestly, my intentions were that I wanted to finally be there for them, and between me & my cousin, it got out of control. I had no idea that she is having major issues right now, and all of you know, I have had 3 1/2 years of issues, things were finally starting to work, and then the daily headaches started, and you know the rest from there!
 So, I apologize to my aunt & uncle I am sorry for how I have acted, I know I can't help it, doesn't cut it, but, I really am Not myself right now, and I only love you guys so much and wanted to help.
 Cousin B, I am sorry your comment upset me so much, I had no idea what is on your plate, and I know what its like because the 3 1/2 years I talk about were like that, Mary Beth, I am sorry you were in the middle, and my mother, I am sorry for saying I want no family, but, I have never felt like I fit in, no one ever measures up to Jimmy in my book, I am sorry, but that is just the way it is, if we are going to be honest.
 And in being honest, I suffer from depression, been on meds a year now, and it was like a wonder drug, I felt so good, and then the stroke, and I am right back to being in that black hole, I am not meaning to hurt, ANYONE, the sad part is I was trying to help, and in return, I have hurt everyone, and feel like I need mental help. I am sorry, please forgive me, and please try & not judge me.
 Mary Beth, can you please call Terry?


  1. Oh Kim...Hugs my girl. This just sucks. You've had a hell of a time of it and have been trying so hard. No one is perfect, you stop blaming yourself for not being perfect. People can't just take,take,take from you all the time. It leaves you a smoking husk. You need some support, real support. You should call up your doctor and get a full workup and get a reference to a good therapist.

    They can help you help yourself. You'll feel better and stronger and your mind will start to settle.

    Death is hard. I'm sure Aunt Barbara and Uncle Don will realize you aren't trying to hurt them or cause heart ache. They spoke very highly of you when we visited last year, they love you. It's just going to be a very hard time for them. Give it a little time, the dust will settle and amends will be made. They, and MaryBeth's family, are warm loving people, they are just stressed out right now. It'll turn around, okay? Just back away for now and take care of you. You can't take care of anyone the way you are now. You need someone to take care of YOU for a change.

    You just aren't yourself after this stroke. Call it mild, call it purple, call it a horses ass, it's still a freekin' stroke. Don't let anyone tell you any different. IT IS STILL A STROKE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! Please, call your doctor and get in their and talk to them, okay?

    You know what? SCREW Jimmy. Who the F cares? Is he the freekin' Pope or something? No. Obviously he's not part of your life, so he must be an idiot. Case closed. Buh-bye. Later. Cya! Onward and upward baby. I'm here for you. Love you!!!

  2. I have no idea who you are, but, obviously you know me & my family! Thank you so much, your words helped, a lot, and I am going to see the doctor on Wed.
    I am just making myself sick over what I did, when I honestly only wanted to be there and help, and now they all hate me. Obviously, you know them, please tell them, I am sorry, and that I love them.
    And you obviously know Jimmy, my brother, because you were right on the money.
    I love to hear from someone who is from NY, there is no mincing words, THANK you again, and may I ask who you are???

  3. whom ever you are if you are going to leave me such a message stop hiding behind a code and show yourself. NO ONE made you read this blog, and if you don't like it, stay off it.
    It's cowards like you that Hide and say bad things about people, but don't have the nerve to do it face to face,

  4. this comment was not made towards you Brox, I accidentally posted it on the wrong blog, the blog after this told me what if I send you a pacifier would ya shut up then? Thats who I was commenting to not you!!!