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Friday, April 29, 2011


 This blog is going to be difficult to write, especially on a day that should be so good. I feel everyone should have "their" day, their birthday, anniversary etc, and today is my youngest birthday, a big one at that, 16.
 Well our family consists of my 3 children from marriage #1, Daniel 29, Scott 27, & Megan 25, Megan has 2 children Jolie 2 1/2 and Maddox 9 mos. My current marriage of 18 years consists of Cody 17 & Jenn 16. Cody is mentally retarded and autistic.
 Due to my stroke, putting together anything is a chore, and my energy is so limited, but, It was important to make sure my baby girl has a day to remember. I had hoped to do something bigger, but, we decided on friends & family here and I would cook a Mexican buffet, remember folks, I am in the southwest!!! LOL, Believe me, I wish I could do more, I have given dates & told everyone for about 2 mos now, and now that it has rolled around, no one is coming, except a few of her friends.
 Her oldest brother & his girl friend I haven't heard from, I have left messages, I really hope they come, my son lives less than an hour away and I have not seen him in a year, yes a YEAR, I am not trying to cause trouble, I am just trying to understand what I possibly have done wrong, because they all seem to want nothing to do with me.
 My ex husband has moved to town, and he will NOT be at the party, I know my son has no desire to see him, but, he has nothing to worry about because he won't be there.
 I have blogged about this before, my son in law will not let me see my grandchildren, and it eats at me all the time, the reasons don't even make any sense, and it just about kills me, and it is coming up on 2 years, never held my grandson, and my granddaughter is only 2 1/2. 
 My son Scott has lived out of state for the past 2 years, he moved back a moth ago, I have seen him for 20 min, ONCE, well, I don't have a car, so I am very limited, and no one lives close. Anyway, he told me today he won't be making Jenn's party, because it takes 2 people to take care of the grandchildren, so he will be helping his dad. 
 I thought, Oh good Megan will at least come, she emailed today and told me she has to stay home with the kids, what??/ Scott just told me HE had to stay with the kids AND the ex husband is staying with the kids, I must look entirely stupid, But, I had 5 kids, w/no help, & my son is majorly handicapped, and the 2 youngest are 17 mos apart
 My parents are still not speaking to me, and no matter how I try & apologize she shuts me off.
 Right now, I am hanging at the end of my rope, I had 5 kids, because I wanted a big family, I raised them the best I could, I was always there for them, was I Perfect? NO, but who was, with the exception of Jesus Christ!!!
 I gave the 4 of them, their parties for major milestones etc. and the least they can do is be there for their sister, hate me, why I don't know, but don't do this to her.
 Like I said, I am NOT perfect, but, I have always been there for my kids, and tried like hell to be a self sacrificing mother, and I believe I was, but since they are all treating me like this & my parents, I must look inside of my self, and see what I am missing, I have been asking my closest friends to PLEASE not life & tell me what I need to change, and the answer is always the same, you are too nice, and they take advantage of that and use you like a doormat, some more than others, I don't know, it is just getting harder & harder to deal with the wrath of someone new everyday, when all I am trying to do ig get passed this stroke, & get well, and the stress is not helping that at all.
 Other than Megan I haven't seen ANY of them since the stroke, not at the hospital or home.
 You know I said from the beginning I would never candy coat my feelings or emotions, because I don't believe in being a phony, or portraying myself in a way that is not true.
 Truth be told, I have been very emotional since my stroke, BUT, This is just not fair what they are doing to my baby girl, for her birthday.
 Easter came & went & I heard nothing from ANY of my kids, and since I have stroked they don't ever call to check on me. I honestly have visions of being a widow left in an apartment filled with dogs, and no way to get anywhere, because my kids truly could care less about me, and that hurts, hurts more than I can ever put into words!! 
 I keep asking Kathy if something happens to Terry will her & Mac help me, because Terry has not been well, and I know he doesn't have long to live, and has no medical insurance, I am afraid of losing him, my only rival, and my soul mate.
 As far as my parents, I can't reach out anymore, it's killing me, and setting me back each time, I just don't understand how you stop talking to your daughter 4 days after a stroke, and not even care enough about her to let it go and make sure she is ok.
 STill have the Family in Florida issues going on, and the service is May 6, I will just tell myself I am not really family, anyway, to help soothe the pain! and it is time to let them go, because right now I have my hands fuller than full with my parents & kids!
 This is so not what I expected when I had all these kids, I have now learned it is going to be different with Cody & Jennifer, we WILL be a family.
 And I do want to thank my friends, Dee, Julie, Dan, Kathy & a few others
 I just wanted so much more for Jennifer, and I will find a way to celebrate her birthday, and just because we may have the same last name, blood etc.doesn't mean we really are family!!
 I want to thank those of you on FB and in my life long distance & my local friends so much for being here for me,because I honestly don't know what I would do w/you!!
 When I found out the party was cancelled, I was just going let it go, but, that wouldn't be me, and I need to be me, my integrity is one of the very few things I have left! THANKS!!!


  1. Kim, My dad was in the hospital all week. Not sure what is wrong with him. Had a lung biopsy etc. Just came home yesterday. So, I have been at the hospital for days. Did not know this was going on. Jen knows you love her. Celebrate with with terry, cody and Jen. Terry called me and really encouraged me by explaining a little how my Dad is feeling after bypass. I really appreciated it. Tell Jen Happy Birthday. 16 is a special age. Love you. J

  2. Here's the reality.... Jenn knows that you tried and what other choose to do is something you can't control. She is going to remember you doing your very best and others choosing to hurt her by not being there for her