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Monday, May 2, 2011

Loner, outcast, & non exsistance

1. a person who is rejected or excluded from a social group
2. a vagabond or wanderer
3. anything thrown out or rejected
rejected, abandoned, or discarded; cast out

Last evening a dear friends & I were IM ing, and she had the best intentions, she has been following my blog, she was worried that I am beyond being a loner, more like an outcast and I couldn't agree with her more. She really thinks this is beyond my help & help of friends, that I need to be hospitalized. Unfortunately, I have no medical insurance, and refuse to stay in a state hospital, I am seeing a psychiatrist, and have just started ant depressants, and am on several stroke/headache related medications, I hope & pray the work, the headache meds were working like a charm until the stress level was through the rough, this weekend, The medication is heavy duty and makes me very tired.
 I apologized, yet again to my mother and was told it wasn't good enough! The story of my life!!
 Anyway, I see that a lot of you read my blog, but hardly leave comments, I really need comments to know where you stand, if you agree or degree means a lot, it gives me guidance, and other options & suggestions, if you think the blog is a waste of time, I need to know that, too!
 I have put ALL of myself out there and not sure if I am just making a fool of myself!

The definition of outcast is up at the top of the blog, it is a horrible way to feel, and unfortunately it is how I feel, I feel unworthy, unlovable, and not good enough for anyone or anybody I feel rejected, and to feel rejected by your own parents & children, is like having a knife put through your back.There are different circumstances as to what is going on when them, but, non the less, I go to bed, empty & unworthy & wake up feeling exactly the same way, I don't know if the mental pain is worse than the physical, I do know I am in dyer straights, and that my family need to understand I have feelings, and I would lay down my life for them, how can they just brush me aside and not care how I am even recovering from my stroke!
 ok, I  see that so many of you read my blog, but, they go 99% of the time w/o comment! Part of blogging is so I can get some feedback, good, bad or indifferent, I really would love to hear what you have to say, or even if the blog is even worth writing anymore, Please let me know your opinion, thanks, because I truly am an unintended outcast, who is in tremendous medical & physical pain, who feels completely alone.
Don't get me wrong Terry has been wonderful through out all this, he has been so supportive & nurturing, and so has Cody & Jenn, and my circle of friends, and I thank you all for that!!!


  1. IMHO- you need to let go of the past. As a mother and grandmother that is a difficult thing for me to say. I don't know if I could do it. Obviously your parents and older children have some issues they are not ready to resolve with you. Maybe you should just concentrate you time and energy on Cody, Jenn, and Terry. Let them (mother and older children), contact you when they are ready. You have way to many health issues and a teen aged child that needs you (and will, for many years to come). Focus on the here and now. Focus on making your life and family that lives with you a better one. You have a lot to offer.

  2. Thank you Christine, I really appreciate you responding. I know in my head that you are so right, its that thing called my heart that can't let go, but, I know if I don't let then go, it will kill me! Thanks again!!! Have a great day!

  3. Kim,
    You do not deserve this type of treatment AGAIN. I have seen this over and over with some members of your family. I know how hard it is on you. I also know you have the strength to move on until they finally come around. So unfair of them to do this to you over and over and over and over you forgive them. Congrats to Terry on his 1 year success. You and Terry have come a long way. I know its hard but dont let them bring you so far down it effects you, Terry, Jen and Cody. See you soon. J

  4. Julie, I know you are so right and you have been there first hand, you have watched our family fall apart, and pick ourselves up and do it again. But, this time has been very different, All the walls were down, and we were really communicating, no blowing!! A years sobriety, and Terry wanting to go to church. Who would have thought? and I refuse to let my ex husband put an end to all our work, and as hard as it is, I need to let them all go, painfully!!!

  5. Kim, sometimes you have to just save yourself. Let go of what should have been and do what's right for you and the people directly in your life now. If other people can't be bothered, it just goes to show it's in your best interest to let them go. Hugs cuz.

  6. BAHAHAHAHAAAa...that's me (Lauralee) Kim, my nom de plumes abound! :D