Here it is Monday, May 9, 2011, a new week, the kids are back at school for their finally stretch, Jennifer got her new clothes from Walmart yesterday, she needed khakis, a black belt, and black shoes, NO, I won't say it, TENNIS SHOES!!! Thats what they call them here, and I REFUSE!!!!!!
Terry seems to have over done it a bit, but, we all knew that would happen.Men have this hero complex,thing, they can do all things, and never have to ask for directions!
He feels like a man of accomplishment today, he got me to eat a full meal, for about 2 weeks straight I have had a smoothie about 11am, and then a plain lightly creamed cheese bagel around 6pm, and I drink diet green tee all day long/ Today I had the smoothie & potatoes, and dinner,chicken marsalla with red potatoes & fresh green beans, it was delicious!! and I can assure You, I am done eating for the night!!
Terry was up & around a more little more than he should, did a walk, that would have been shorter if it were my first walk!!!
Last night I didn't sleep as well as I though I would, It was those dang traitors, my dogs, the minute Terry got in bed they followed, looking at me each time, as I said said traitor, and they could care less
How do they do it, my heart was broken!!! BUT, when it came to cleaning up the accidents, guess which did that???? I am sure I don't have to tell you!!
For the most party we have a a very relaxed, low key, kind of day, getting ready for our day to start Whoop-whoop- JEOPADRY, thats when it all begins!!And sadly, I am the ones who days begins as a loser!!!! All in good fun, people, all in good fun!!
Hopefully, we have a new start coming in our way, and building some new family time For When the kids get out of school, because you know how jealous these dogs can be!!
Thank you for all your friendship, prayers & good thoughts, & please keeping them coming!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY 2011
Me, well, I am just so thankful this mothers day, for what is, and not what it could have been.
Last night I hardly got any sleep, and today it was the phone ringing non stop, my dear friend, Dan Lane, came & took Cody for the day, which I really needed, between not sleeping & my nerves I felt like I had been hit with a matt truck.
The day started out good, my baby girl, had her very first job interview, and nailed the job, she starts Thursday, I am so excited for her. She will be working in Culvers, my son told me it's big in Chicago, its a custard place?? I have never been and a custard place, is not a place I want to spend a lot of time at, hahaha
Terry has had the same cardiologist since 1997 when he had his first triple by pass, he is my kind of doctor, he is from back east, & tells it like it is, he called me this after noon, and said one of the by passed arteries had ruptured, and, Thankfully we got him to the hospital when we did or he could have had a massive coronary in his sleep, but, he NEEDS to take better care of himself, he gave up drinking for a year and has traded it in for snacks & fried foods, I personally don't eat fried foods & snacks, because I am diabetic, so guess who is going on the diabetic diet? Luckily for me, he doesn't read my blog!!
I have been dealing with a lot of garbage lately, family drama to be exact, and quite frankly going through this puts things in perspective, when you almost loose one of the most important people in your life, everything else is relative. As far as I am concerned I am not wasting anymore energy on things that I can not change. I am going to focus, on the good in my life, times might be tough, really tough with no medical insurance and lack of funds, but we have so much, we both have dealt with life threatening injuries this month, if thats not a wake up call, I don't know what is.
So, it's time to focus on my hubby, Cody, Jenn Daniel & Jessica, and everything else will fall into place.
I must say I expected to be asleep long before now, but, I have really felt awful today, with good reason, but, I am also listening to my body & going to take it easy with my kids tomorrow.
Terry's philosophy is why sit in a hard chair in a loud crowded room, with few TV shows, while you can be at home relaxing with the kids, so I am going to take him up on that, because I don't want to end up back in the hospital, and for a while there today, I really thought I was.
Today is the first day since being on the new headache meds, that I have had a continuous pounding migraine, so hopefully, this too shall pass.
Last night I decided to sleep on the couch along with my 6 dogs, they were all cuddled up with me, and they are waiting now, looking at me with their big beautiful eyes, if you could read them, they'd say mommy, come to bed!! Here I come Puppies!!!
Friday, May 6, 2011
The Love Of My Life, May the Beat go on!!!
As you all know Terry and I have been married 17 years, we have had our ups & downs, he has had cancer, a heart attack & triple by pass in 1997, a mild stroke in 2004, a massive stroke 11/07, which caused him to be on permanent disability. Last year we separated due to his alcoholism, we reunited last Sept & renewed our vows on our 17th anniversary, and we have had a few bumps in the road, but, as late things have been great, he has been so supportive, my soul mate, my best friend, just the other day, my daughter Jennifer said, I think its cool how you & dad are best friends. That really touched our hearts, knowing the hell we have been through.
Jennifer's 16th birthday April 29, Terry was sober 1 year, which makes it a VERY special day.
Tonight, we had a normal Friday night at home, We love shows like Dateline, and then I go off to my life time movies when he falls asleep! Friday nights have a 2hr dateline, woo-hoo!!! As, I have mentioned I have been sleeping on the couch, it is more comfortable with all my ailments, so Terry was in the sofa bed, and me right next to him on the couch. I actually started to dose, which is VERY unusual for me, and Terry gets up sweating, the a/c is on 72 and he said call 911, in all my years he has NEVER asked me to call them, I rounded up 6 dogs, & threw them in Jenn's room because she is at a friends, and then I am trying to keep Cody settled, for those who know Cody know that is near impossible.
The paramedics seemed real concerned, his b/p was dangerously low,his EKG was bad, and he said he would need a more extensive one, and the few other tests they could run, all came up that something is wrong! They gave him IV's & oxygen, and asked the old pain scale question, he said his pain was 7, out of 10.
So, it's been an hour now, and I am a basket case waiting to hear something, I have been cleaning my butt off, my wood floors, have been mopped, swept, and I have dusted, windexed, cleaned the bathroom,& kitchen, I need to tackle the laundry, but that can wait.
Now remember I don't have a car, terribly helpless feeling, God forbid they "need" tonight, Julie will take me to the hospital & take Cody, if not I am going to keep this as "normal" as possible for Cody or this can be an even worse nightmare.
So, tomorrow !@ 10 Dan & Dina will take me to the hospital and take Cody for the day. Jenn's birthday party was cancelled, I guess that is just not meant to be!! Right now all she & the rest of the family want is her daddy back safe & sound.
I have so much garbage running through my head right now, and verbalizing them, might make them real so I will pass on that. I honestly don't know how his body can handle anymore, and I pray it can because I see a by pass on the horizon, and I can't imagine my life w/o him.
If anything I am learning tonight is don't take people for granted, and don't focus more time on things than people, and don't focus on those who are not contributing good things to your life, that are like a cancer, cut the cancerous people out of your life, before they consume you!
Terry, you are the one and only love of my life, I know we have both done some really stupid things, but we always manage to reconcile, and neither of us has ever cheated, thats a line that we agreed we would NEVER cross, and we didn't
And to end this blog, I speak with a deep rooted anger, NONE of this would have happened IF we had medical insurance, Terry has been having heart issues for a few weeks, and since we have not been on disability 2 years we don't qualify for medicare, and we make too much for medicaid, whis is a joke, under $2000 a month with 2 children, I am a diabetic, had a stroke, have heart issues and these terrible daily migraines, Terry has all his meds, & Cody being autistic, has him on quite a few medications. Please Government or someone who can make a difference read my blog and use it for help, so this doesn't happen to someones father, husband, brother, grandfather etc. Their life matters just as much as the guy driving the beamer in Hollywood Hills!
SIR SAMELOT
It was a normal Nov morning, chilly and we still owned the house, and I was getting the kids ready for school, the routine was to let Crissy out, we had just bought a 6 week puppy that was a Yorkshire Terrier, named Max, he was priceless, after the kids were gone, and the house was quiet I went to let Crissy in and realized I hadn't seen Max. The thoughts that were running through my head were too scary to even give a second thought, but, I knew it, I just knew I had to go out there and check the pool.
Sure enough, Cody has accidentally let Max out and he was floating face down in the pool. I knew he was dead and could not bring myself to get the dog out, it was terrible, I had to shut the blinds so I could not see the pool, I just cried & cried. I called Terry at work, he came home and got the dog out of the pool, and we gave him a proper burial, then Terry went back to work.
The day was so depressing, I got back on line and found a Morkie, for $450, which was a Yorkie/maltese, I went to get him, he was the last puppy left in the litter, all black, and you could tell this dog had HIS own way of doing things.
The very next day I get a phone call from Terry's boss, Dennis the lawyer who owned the firm, to let me know Terry had a stroke & it was bad. I called Julie, and off we went to the hospital, one that seemed like we were there more than home , to this day just passing that hospital nauseates both of us.
Terry was on life support, they told me the odds were not good, and he may have severe brain damage, he was in terrible shape, Julie & I went into ICU and I could hardly compose myself, I have never seen anyone like that, hooked up to so many things.
Back at home was a lonely Sir Samelot, so when ever I was home, I carried him around on my shoulder, he loved to go for car rides, and I swear he knew everything you said.
Weeks went on, feeding tubes were put in, test after test was done, which each required me going doing there and giving my permission, finally, it seemed like their was a light at the end of the tunnel, he was doing so much better with his walking and therapies, but, was told, no more work, it had affected the part of his brain that retains information, and being a lawyer he would not be able to do that. OH MY Gosh, what do we do now??? Thats when we applied to social security.
AFter 9 weeks Terry came home from the hospital & Sir Samelot {sammy } took to Terry he became his biggest buddy, I must admit, I felt a bit neglected, here I carried this little black son of a gun on my shoulder all day and he wants nothing to do with me???
They became inseparable, so finally I just let Sammy go!
Well, what goes around comes around, after having my stroke, Sammy wants me, he sleeps with me, I have been sleeping on the coach, since the stroke, because it is more comfortable than the pull out, so now Terry is sulking for his Sammy.
Well the one, no one counted on is Sammy's son Treasure, he LOVES Sammy, and up until this week he wanted nothing to do with his puppies, now he & Treasure are together all the time, and treasure has Sammy's personality, is is so enjoyable to watch them, both,
What I find amazing is a dog really does know someone sick & in need, because these dogs gravitate towards us if we have some medical issues.
They also become part of your family, I could NOT imagine my life w/o any of them, they each have their unique personality.
BUT, they have started a new habit, that I do not enjoy, about midnight they get a second wind and you have all but me asleep, and 6 dogs are running, barking chewing, pooping, peeing, last night I am mopping the floor from 1-3am, swiffer or not, I was NOT in the mood!
My routine is, come 10pm, I get on my couch and watch life time movies and unwind, and relish the peace & quiet until somewhere around 1-2am,
SO puppies, Please let me have my time tonight, I have things to do tomorrow and need my down time!!
Sure enough, Cody has accidentally let Max out and he was floating face down in the pool. I knew he was dead and could not bring myself to get the dog out, it was terrible, I had to shut the blinds so I could not see the pool, I just cried & cried. I called Terry at work, he came home and got the dog out of the pool, and we gave him a proper burial, then Terry went back to work.
The day was so depressing, I got back on line and found a Morkie, for $450, which was a Yorkie/maltese, I went to get him, he was the last puppy left in the litter, all black, and you could tell this dog had HIS own way of doing things.
The very next day I get a phone call from Terry's boss, Dennis the lawyer who owned the firm, to let me know Terry had a stroke & it was bad. I called Julie, and off we went to the hospital, one that seemed like we were there more than home , to this day just passing that hospital nauseates both of us.
Terry was on life support, they told me the odds were not good, and he may have severe brain damage, he was in terrible shape, Julie & I went into ICU and I could hardly compose myself, I have never seen anyone like that, hooked up to so many things.
Back at home was a lonely Sir Samelot, so when ever I was home, I carried him around on my shoulder, he loved to go for car rides, and I swear he knew everything you said.
Weeks went on, feeding tubes were put in, test after test was done, which each required me going doing there and giving my permission, finally, it seemed like their was a light at the end of the tunnel, he was doing so much better with his walking and therapies, but, was told, no more work, it had affected the part of his brain that retains information, and being a lawyer he would not be able to do that. OH MY Gosh, what do we do now??? Thats when we applied to social security.
AFter 9 weeks Terry came home from the hospital & Sir Samelot {sammy } took to Terry he became his biggest buddy, I must admit, I felt a bit neglected, here I carried this little black son of a gun on my shoulder all day and he wants nothing to do with me???
They became inseparable, so finally I just let Sammy go!
Well, what goes around comes around, after having my stroke, Sammy wants me, he sleeps with me, I have been sleeping on the coach, since the stroke, because it is more comfortable than the pull out, so now Terry is sulking for his Sammy.
Well the one, no one counted on is Sammy's son Treasure, he LOVES Sammy, and up until this week he wanted nothing to do with his puppies, now he & Treasure are together all the time, and treasure has Sammy's personality, is is so enjoyable to watch them, both,
What I find amazing is a dog really does know someone sick & in need, because these dogs gravitate towards us if we have some medical issues.
They also become part of your family, I could NOT imagine my life w/o any of them, they each have their unique personality.
BUT, they have started a new habit, that I do not enjoy, about midnight they get a second wind and you have all but me asleep, and 6 dogs are running, barking chewing, pooping, peeing, last night I am mopping the floor from 1-3am, swiffer or not, I was NOT in the mood!
My routine is, come 10pm, I get on my couch and watch life time movies and unwind, and relish the peace & quiet until somewhere around 1-2am,
SO puppies, Please let me have my time tonight, I have things to do tomorrow and need my down time!!
CHASING FLIES
As most of you know we have accumulated 6 dogs, the first dog Crissy, was a rescue dog, we had no intentions of even getting a dog and me & the kids, who were real young then, 2004, went into Petsmart and saw the most adorable white furry dog dressed in a red Santa Suit, and NO she wasn't my God!! { refer back to last blog} we just fell in love with her, and she with us.
The people there said, they were surprised they have had her a while because she is so shy and she usually doesn't bond with anyone. SO we knew then, we HAD to have her, it was Dec 5, 2004, she was 7 mos old, she was fixed, had her shots and everything came to $75, who could pass that deal up.
We brought her home, and mind you, Terry had no clue we were getting a dog, hadn't even had a conversation, and in the door we walk in me, Cody, Jenn & Crissy, well he was NOT happy!
I knew this too shall pass because Crissy is so sweat & Lovable, that he wouldn't be able to help himself, and I was right.
Night one, this dog was scared to death, I asked Terry is she could sleep in bed with us, he said, 1 night, and then she goes back on the floor, well 7 years later Crissy hasn't left the bed! We had to up grade to a King size bed, then when moving here and having to sleep on a queen size,AND have 6 dogs in our bed, it has gotten a bit crowded!
Well, Crissy is very playful for a dog her age, and we have a sliding glass door in our living room, that flies hover about outside the door, well from the inside she tries and catches these flies, day in and day out, running in circles trying to catch flies, that she will never be able to catch. The good part for her is she has fun doing it and she is fun to watch, she is the sweetest, most gentle,loving dog, she wouldn't hurt a fly, LOL!!!
Well, as I reflect on my life this past month, I have been chasing flies, ones that I am never going to catch, I too have a glass door between me & the flies I am trying to chase, the difference between me & Crissy is I get no enjoyment from this, I get hurt, frustrated, & depressed.
Bottom line is, I am who I am,
The truth is, I have a wonderful, supportive husband, 3 children & a daughter in law who love me,a large group of real sincere friends, that most people would love to have,a nice apartment, I have a roof over my head,and all that other stuff doesn't matter,
Sure it hurts like hell to have family members 'hate" me, because they can't understand me, but, I am done chasing flies, and I am going to focus on what I do have, and thats a lot!!!!
The people there said, they were surprised they have had her a while because she is so shy and she usually doesn't bond with anyone. SO we knew then, we HAD to have her, it was Dec 5, 2004, she was 7 mos old, she was fixed, had her shots and everything came to $75, who could pass that deal up.
We brought her home, and mind you, Terry had no clue we were getting a dog, hadn't even had a conversation, and in the door we walk in me, Cody, Jenn & Crissy, well he was NOT happy!
I knew this too shall pass because Crissy is so sweat & Lovable, that he wouldn't be able to help himself, and I was right.
Night one, this dog was scared to death, I asked Terry is she could sleep in bed with us, he said, 1 night, and then she goes back on the floor, well 7 years later Crissy hasn't left the bed! We had to up grade to a King size bed, then when moving here and having to sleep on a queen size,AND have 6 dogs in our bed, it has gotten a bit crowded!
Well, Crissy is very playful for a dog her age, and we have a sliding glass door in our living room, that flies hover about outside the door, well from the inside she tries and catches these flies, day in and day out, running in circles trying to catch flies, that she will never be able to catch. The good part for her is she has fun doing it and she is fun to watch, she is the sweetest, most gentle,loving dog, she wouldn't hurt a fly, LOL!!!
Well, as I reflect on my life this past month, I have been chasing flies, ones that I am never going to catch, I too have a glass door between me & the flies I am trying to chase, the difference between me & Crissy is I get no enjoyment from this, I get hurt, frustrated, & depressed.
Bottom line is, I am who I am,
The truth is, I have a wonderful, supportive husband, 3 children & a daughter in law who love me,a large group of real sincere friends, that most people would love to have,a nice apartment, I have a roof over my head,and all that other stuff doesn't matter,
Sure it hurts like hell to have family members 'hate" me, because they can't understand me, but, I am done chasing flies, and I am going to focus on what I do have, and thats a lot!!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
God comes in all things
Unless something earth shattering happens with my ex husband I will no loner give him an ounce of "air time".
Yesterday I woke up to a very, angry, nasty email calling out just about everything in my life, including my faith, which is a VERY personal issue that he has no RIGHT going there.
For starters he called me Bible bitching, Have no clue what that means & if anyone does could you please let me know, he also insisted that I was not right with God, but, he was, as far as I know we are not to judge who is right or wrong with God, that is his pleasure, and when the time is right, he will do his job, and I am quite sure he doesn't need my ex at his side for guidance,
Then he told me when I was going to meet my maker, he would be dressed in red!! I so much wanted to respond, Oh lucky me, Santa will be at the pearly gates, handing out presents on my death!!!
Then he went as far as trashing a Pastor who was our Pastor when we divorced, well the reason for that is that HE supported me, and Dan Mowbray DOES NO WRONG, so anyone who supported me, he is out to get, and he won't let it go, as I have said, we have been divorced 19 years, can you imagine this garbage going on this long???
I have surrendered my 2 kids to the Lord, along with my grandchildren, that doesn't by any means,mean I don't love them, and gave up on them, if the ex wasn't threatening me, telling them lies, & them being VERY disrespectful to me, none of this would be happening.I can't battle him and constantly defend myself from the lies he tells them, and I WILL not tolerate the horrible disrespectful words that come out of their mouths. Just the other day, Dan M told Cody, my handicap son, your mom is evil & she disrespects all of her kids, even you, Cody is a mama's boy and came home in tears. For the record I love Megan & Scott with all my heart & would & always will, but, I must step back because he ordered them out of my life, & you ask, what 25 & 27 yr old listens to their dad like that? The answer is, you would have to really have to know my ex to understand., I will always love my grandchildren, but, in reality, I never had them, and that rips my heart out.
My priority is my 2 kids still living at home, my husband & my son Daniel & his GF Jessica. Saturday we are finally having Jennifer's 16th birthday party with all friends, and my oldest son & GF Jessica, and Daniel is Dan M first born, but they haven't spoken in over 10 years, because he saw his number!
Unless it's major, I do not want to discuss Dan M anymore, it upsets my stomach, and has me tense, so Goodbye, and I will be hoping for those presents in heaven, because I KNOW who my God is and who I will come face to face with, and he won't be wearing red!!!
Yesterday I woke up to a very, angry, nasty email calling out just about everything in my life, including my faith, which is a VERY personal issue that he has no RIGHT going there.
For starters he called me Bible bitching, Have no clue what that means & if anyone does could you please let me know, he also insisted that I was not right with God, but, he was, as far as I know we are not to judge who is right or wrong with God, that is his pleasure, and when the time is right, he will do his job, and I am quite sure he doesn't need my ex at his side for guidance,
Then he told me when I was going to meet my maker, he would be dressed in red!! I so much wanted to respond, Oh lucky me, Santa will be at the pearly gates, handing out presents on my death!!!
Then he went as far as trashing a Pastor who was our Pastor when we divorced, well the reason for that is that HE supported me, and Dan Mowbray DOES NO WRONG, so anyone who supported me, he is out to get, and he won't let it go, as I have said, we have been divorced 19 years, can you imagine this garbage going on this long???
I have surrendered my 2 kids to the Lord, along with my grandchildren, that doesn't by any means,mean I don't love them, and gave up on them, if the ex wasn't threatening me, telling them lies, & them being VERY disrespectful to me, none of this would be happening.I can't battle him and constantly defend myself from the lies he tells them, and I WILL not tolerate the horrible disrespectful words that come out of their mouths. Just the other day, Dan M told Cody, my handicap son, your mom is evil & she disrespects all of her kids, even you, Cody is a mama's boy and came home in tears. For the record I love Megan & Scott with all my heart & would & always will, but, I must step back because he ordered them out of my life, & you ask, what 25 & 27 yr old listens to their dad like that? The answer is, you would have to really have to know my ex to understand., I will always love my grandchildren, but, in reality, I never had them, and that rips my heart out.
My priority is my 2 kids still living at home, my husband & my son Daniel & his GF Jessica. Saturday we are finally having Jennifer's 16th birthday party with all friends, and my oldest son & GF Jessica, and Daniel is Dan M first born, but they haven't spoken in over 10 years, because he saw his number!
Unless it's major, I do not want to discuss Dan M anymore, it upsets my stomach, and has me tense, so Goodbye, and I will be hoping for those presents in heaven, because I KNOW who my God is and who I will come face to face with, and he won't be wearing red!!!
Let the Pink hair Roll, Baby.....
This morning Terry went to walmart and I fell asleep on the couch with the puppies, around 9am, in comes Dan & Terry, so up it was.
Julie picked me up at 10:20 and we went to Mimi's cafe, lately all I can seem to keep down is smoothies, and they are nutritious so it seems like a good fit, and I am losing weight.
When ever we go out we call it a "theme" day, for example if we were going to yard sales it would seem like ever yard sale HAD a vacuum, and we call it vacuum day, today was crazy hair day, we saw the strangest hair styles ever, even one women had pink hair, here in AZ we have a state fair commercial where the lady starts eating her hair, because it's cotton candy, well we found her this morning!!
We were both pretty down in the dumps, but since I can't figure out how to block people from my blogs, the style of my blog is going to change, possibly, this may be my last, because it's hard when you can't completely SAY how you are FEELING, kind of defeats the whole purpose of blogging.
It seem they want to take everything from me, that they can.
Honestly, I am feeling pretty defeated and knowing that my blogs are being read, printed and will be used at a convenient time, takes the freedom away, Its sad, because regardless if you enjoy it or not, I enjoy writing and there is very few things I enjoy these days, I find it very therapeutic, but again, they must steal my thunder. I am not sure what I am going to do about the blogging, but, I have 1 more to blog, one with humor and away from my "drama"
I thank those who sincerely read my blogs, with the best intentions, who reached out a hand when I so needed one, I felt your hand, your hugs., your love, I appreciated your support, advice & sharing similar situations in your life, as mine, I can't tell you how often you brought me back from a bad place. I am hoping I can find a way to continue to blog with freedom,
I think I have figured out the problem, my family does not understand my emotional make up and theirs is so different from mine, they they expect, almost order me to feel their way and when I don't I get yelled at & condemned, I wrote in a previous blog that I have visions of when Terry passes away I will be alone, with my dogs, because my kids won't care to help me, except Daniel my oldest & Jennifer my youngest, and I received an email, blasting me about how they didn't know Terry was dying, and it was very condescending, so basically, what I am saying is EVERYTHING is taken wrong, and adds to another nail in my cross. I can't live under that kind of microscope. They don't understand, they make me sound mean & Uncaring, and I am the opposite, my friends can tell you otherwise, people who have been my friends for over 30 years.
Today, Terry & I had a very good 4 way call with our dear friends L&D and they gave me some very good advice, and my husband, also has been amazingly supportive, if I could only get a shot of good thoughts, and positive thinking every 4 hrs, instead of medication, I would be a happy camper!
Thank you all for suppoting me by reading my blog, I hope to work this out so I can continue it, feed back appreciated!!
Julie picked me up at 10:20 and we went to Mimi's cafe, lately all I can seem to keep down is smoothies, and they are nutritious so it seems like a good fit, and I am losing weight.
When ever we go out we call it a "theme" day, for example if we were going to yard sales it would seem like ever yard sale HAD a vacuum, and we call it vacuum day, today was crazy hair day, we saw the strangest hair styles ever, even one women had pink hair, here in AZ we have a state fair commercial where the lady starts eating her hair, because it's cotton candy, well we found her this morning!!
We were both pretty down in the dumps, but since I can't figure out how to block people from my blogs, the style of my blog is going to change, possibly, this may be my last, because it's hard when you can't completely SAY how you are FEELING, kind of defeats the whole purpose of blogging.
It seem they want to take everything from me, that they can.
Honestly, I am feeling pretty defeated and knowing that my blogs are being read, printed and will be used at a convenient time, takes the freedom away, Its sad, because regardless if you enjoy it or not, I enjoy writing and there is very few things I enjoy these days, I find it very therapeutic, but again, they must steal my thunder. I am not sure what I am going to do about the blogging, but, I have 1 more to blog, one with humor and away from my "drama"
I thank those who sincerely read my blogs, with the best intentions, who reached out a hand when I so needed one, I felt your hand, your hugs., your love, I appreciated your support, advice & sharing similar situations in your life, as mine, I can't tell you how often you brought me back from a bad place. I am hoping I can find a way to continue to blog with freedom,
I think I have figured out the problem, my family does not understand my emotional make up and theirs is so different from mine, they they expect, almost order me to feel their way and when I don't I get yelled at & condemned, I wrote in a previous blog that I have visions of when Terry passes away I will be alone, with my dogs, because my kids won't care to help me, except Daniel my oldest & Jennifer my youngest, and I received an email, blasting me about how they didn't know Terry was dying, and it was very condescending, so basically, what I am saying is EVERYTHING is taken wrong, and adds to another nail in my cross. I can't live under that kind of microscope. They don't understand, they make me sound mean & Uncaring, and I am the opposite, my friends can tell you otherwise, people who have been my friends for over 30 years.
Today, Terry & I had a very good 4 way call with our dear friends L&D and they gave me some very good advice, and my husband, also has been amazingly supportive, if I could only get a shot of good thoughts, and positive thinking every 4 hrs, instead of medication, I would be a happy camper!
Thank you all for suppoting me by reading my blog, I hope to work this out so I can continue it, feed back appreciated!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)