The traveling balloon

Joanne Christiansen

Kimmy just launched a new balloon named Joanne Christiansen!

if you look in the sky and see the brightest star, that would be me, I passed away last Sunday @ 33 yrs old of MS, I fought the hard fight, and I lived life to the fullest! I loved Kareoke, and when I was a kid I loved to dance, and participated in many recitals. I was out going, expressed my opinions, and was very funny. I leave behind a LARGE loving family from all over the United states, please pass the balloon on in my memory, and lets see how far it can go! I am originating in Phoenix, AZ, sent by my cousin Kimmy Daly LaVoie, & her family, Terry, Cody, Jenn, Megan, Jolie, Maddox, Ben, Scott, Daniel & Jessica May God bless you & keep you, and now we all have a new guardian angel!!! XOXOXO Jo Jo!!

Status: Give support

 Please follow my cousins balloon on FB and lets see if we can reach every stat in the US in her momory!!

Good night Blog, Good night Moon

 It is becoming harder & harder to blog, something that came so easily, is now difficult. A good friend said, maybe you shouldn't put yourself out there like that on the blog/ I suppose they are probably right, but, me putting myself out there is part of who I am, I wear my emotions on my sleave, and if you ask me what is wrong you are going to get the truth, not a candy coated lie. I realize not everyone is comfortable expressing their feelings, especially heavy duty feelings or reading somebody elses feelings that are beyond basic.
 At this point everyone knows how I feel so, there is no point reposting it day in and day out, so there probably won't be any more blogging, and as far as FB I will check my messages, but will back off for the most part. I need to work on my depression, and keep close to the very few that live close to me, and are supporting me, A time like this is when you find out who your real friends & family are and I am finding, I am coming up short in that department. MY mom says I drove everyone  away, that could be so, but she has yet to understand that my stroke is effecting my mental state and that not much time has gone by since I had it.
 Anyway, thank you all who were there for me, my sympathies to The Palm Coast Family, and Goodnight

Loving Puppies, Rain & a Warm Quilt

 It was sometime around 3am that I FINALLY fell asleep. I decided to crack the window so I could really hear the rain coming down, and I collected the 3 puppies and their momma, Lacey, and grabbed a nice warm quilt, laid on the comfy couch, and the 4 of us slept there until after 10am.
 There is something about puppies that give you comfort, and they don't talk back, unless you are my dog Treasure, he thinks he is human, and will try & have a conversation with you when you tell him no.
 Lucy is the only female of the litter and she looks just like Lacey her mom, but, has her dad, Sammy's disposition, she was cuddling me,on my face and Wally came to join in on the loving and she started to growl, she wasn't about to share her attention.
 Wally, he is the runt of the litter, he is a loner, but loves to lay on the couch with you and watch TV when it's dark, he is so sweet, he looks just like his daddy did as a puppy, but has a much more mellow attitude. He melts your heart.
 Lacey or momma Lacey, as we call her now, is such a wonderful dog, as my dad says, if anyone broke in here Lacey would love them to death! She has been a great mother to the puppies.
 Sammy, the Morkie, Yorkie/maktese has major attitude, I call him my NY dog, he will bark at a rotwiler as if he  can go up against him, he knows everyone that comes in my home on a regular basis for YEARS, Yet he HAS to bark at them. The funny thing from day 1, he has NEVER barked at Dan Lane, and we joke about it all the time, and Lacey is in love with Dan Lane, also, if you are wondering why I am using his last name, when I say Dan people assume it's my ex husband, so I need o clarify.
 I have woken up to the same weather I went to bed with, and I am enjoying it, here in the desert we don't get much rain, only when Lenny& Debbie come!!!, 
 It would take me all day to thank each & everyone of you, so please know that you are not going un noted and I am deeply thankful for your friendship, and support.
 What am I going to do today? I HOPE see my son Scott, next month it will be 2 years since I have seen him, he has lived back East & today he is moving here, he & his dad will be staying with Megan, not sure when they will get in, so it will either be today or tomorrow that I will see him
 In closure I would like to say, my personal opinion is that a puppy or baby are the best medicine you can get, and if you are hurting try and spend time with one or the other, or if you are lucky enough, BOTH!!!

 There is a nice steady rain out there, and it is a comfortable 63 degrees, and my entire house hold is asleep, including all 6 puppies, except me. And it is PERFECT sleeping weather.  URGH!
 I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me today, whether it was by email, or phone call, it meant the world to me. I am sorry that I did not get on the phone with anyone, I tend to shut down & not communicate when I get like this, and post stroke, I am unable to articulate properly when I am upset, so please don't take it personally, It was a wonderful gesture to make, and I will always appreciate your friendships.
  Thank you, again!

Seasons of life

  I don't usually blog twice in one day, especially a day like I have had, I normally would shut down, and avoid people. I am trying to reach out to people, because I am discovering there are some darn good people out there! I have always believed God puts certain people in your life for a reason, and once that reason is complete, it is time for them to move on, or it is someone who is needed in your life permanentally. Unfortunately, we never know which person is there to stay and its a good thing, because if we knew they were leaving our life  we would hold back from truly loving this person.
 God has brought so many people in my life via FB and who knows who is meant to be there forever, well I think I am starting to find out, I am meeting people that have experienced a lot of the same things I have struggled with, and people I just have fun "playing" with on FB, and re connected with old HS friends and relatives I haven't seen in years & years. A year from now will they ALL be here, probably not, but, I am enjoying them, each & everyone as if today is our last. I don't want to take any relationships for granted or lose anymore important people in my life. 
 I learned a hard lesson this week, by loosing a big part of my family, and it may never be rectified, and I will have to live with that!...I also have to learn to live with the side effects from the stroke, and fortunately, there are a bunch of ladies on FB who have walked this walk, already and are willing to take me by the hand, and lead me....THANK YOU, It may be too late to get my family back, but, not too late to ruin any other relationships.
 To my surprise my husband has been WONDERFUL, he is one that goes before me, he had a massive stroke in 2007, and he was the first one to point out my symptoms being post stroke related. AS most of you know we have had a rocky marriage for the past 3 years, well, now I understand so much more, why his personality changed, I always like to learn a lesson from whatever experience I am going through, and todays lesson has been that I now REALLY understand what my husband has been dealing with, and how he really can't help himself with some stuff. He was so understanding today, and I felt we REALLY connected for the first time in 3 years, and I also see I handeled him ALL WRONG, like someone close to me is dealing with me, I had no patience in hearing that the stroke changed him mentally, when I look back, how can it NOT????
If anything good comes from this, I think we have just made strides in salvaging our marriage.
 My baby girl, she'd kill me, for saying so, she will be 16 in 2 weeks, has been of great support, and she validates me, and as sad as it is, I need that now, I Love you, Jenn Jenns
 Right now her biggest crisis is they shut the water off, and she CAN'T go to school w/o a shower, remember those days? Oh, what I would do to go back there for a little while!!!
 Since Monday, when my cousin passed, my head has been filled with nothing but mayhem, & selfish thoughts of wanting to be in Fla with everyone to help & grieve. Joanne & I weren't close for the past 20 years, I lived in AZ, she in Fla, we would talk when I visited, and keep in touch on FB, until she got too sick. I saw her last June, & I knew that that would be the last time I would see her, she was in pretty bad shape. In the car home, I discussed with my friends how I knew I would never see her again, and I was right.
 I remember when Joanne was adopted, I was an adult, she was only a few years older than my son Daniel & they played together. Joanne loved to talk, she also loved to dance, my mom would go to her recitals every year.
 I suppose I never said it enough, but My aunt & Uncle meant the world to me, and I always knew I could count on them, and the last thing I would want to do is cause them problems, at a time like this, I am so very sorry, and I know that is worth a can of beans right now, I just wanted to be there and help. And I am So Sorry!!
 When I would go for my visits w/o my kids, I would come home so relaxed, and planning for the next time I could go. I looked so forward to it and it was always so loving, Aunt B & Uncle D & the nieces & nephews, and all the younger kids, it was heart warming, and I loved it, and never wanted to go home, because my situation is not like that, I can't say more w/o causing a problem, so I will have to leave it at that. Terry & I have done our best since reconciling to make a better home for the kids, and it has been, mission accomplished, but, we long to have other family around, we miss that so much! And other than my older kids, there is no other family members that come around, it's more like we are a bother to come see than anything else.
 I will admit, I am still sitting her @10pm obsessing that my aunt & uncle will never speak to me again, but, I feel some peace, someone named Bronx posted on my blog, she HAD to be from NY, and she told it like it was, and made me feel so much better, Thank you Bronx, hopefully, someday you will tell me who you are!!!
 I so want to feel like me again, and I don't know if I ever will, so I pray God gives me the strength to come to terms with whatever my life is going to be like, I hope I don't make a habit of hurting people I love. I have a real problem with rejection, & it got a hold of me, and took on a life of it's own.
 I am sorry Mary Beth for complicating your life when you had way too much on your plate, please forgive me, you have always been one of my favorite cousins, & I don't want this to change things, but, from your stand point, how can it not??? AGain, I am VERY Sorry! and sorry to B, also, I read it my way, took it my way, and then felt destroyed. And you were all right, there is no way I could of attended th service & kept dry eyes, it is not in my make up, so my presence would have been a problem, I just didn't want to see that.
 I am NOT trying to blame everything on the stroke, but, you have no idea how much it has me messed up right now, and I guess part of me wanted to be out there with you all where I feel safe & loved, and could recooperate in peace, but, how can I think that when Joanne just passed away??
 I don't mean to be selfish or the many other names my mom called me today, I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart and if you choose not to forgive me I understand that too, I hope I never know the pain of losing a child, and I just made it worse, I am sorry to everyone involved!

Aunt B Uncle D, Mom, MB & B

 2 1/2 weeks ago I had a mild stroke, or slight stroke as my mom calls it, is that just another way to make light of it? probably, because I am not allowed any "mistakes" excuses" etc. I have felt my whole life that I had to be perfect, and guess what??? I am not!!
 I just down graded my friends list by 300, and left only the people that I feel won't judge me, and are supportive, needless to say most of my family is off the list. and if you have a problem with depression than maybe you should delete me, yourself!
 I am living in hell right now, since I had my stroke, my head feels scrambeled, I don't know any other way to describe it, I get confused so easily, and when I am in a room with too many people talking, I cry and become confused. I can't remember things, and still have articulation issues.
 Monday my cousin Joanne passed away at 33 and it freaked me out, they live in Florida, her parents are like second parents to me, when I have a problem, I call my AUnt Barbara, I just wanted to be there for them, so I asked if I could come, and they thought it would be better if I didn't. I tried not to take that as rejection, but, with my mind the way it is and my issues handeling rejection, I didn't do so good. Then a cousin posted on FB that I would need to keep my composure & basically there would be no where for me to stay that the family had already made all the arrangements, this is for the service, May 6. So, again, I felt like I wasn't part of the family, and I couldn't help the 2 people that had always been there for me.
 Well, what I did was wrong & I am sorry, but, no one seems to understand that I am not myself right now because of the stroke, I sleep more than I am awake, simple things I can't do, I have to ask my husband to spell & read for me, it is horrible, could I even fly alone???? NO!!!!
But, honestly, my intentions were that I wanted to finally be there for them, and between me & my cousin, it got out of control. I had no idea that she is having major issues right now, and all of you know, I have had 3 1/2 years of issues, things were finally starting to work, and then the daily headaches started, and you know the rest from there!
 So, I apologize to my aunt & uncle I am sorry for how I have acted, I know I can't help it, doesn't cut it, but, I really am Not myself right now, and I only love you guys so much and wanted to help.
 Cousin B, I am sorry your comment upset me so much, I had no idea what is on your plate, and I know what its like because the 3 1/2 years I talk about were like that, Mary Beth, I am sorry you were in the middle, and my mother, I am sorry for saying I want no family, but, I have never felt like I fit in, no one ever measures up to Jimmy in my book, I am sorry, but that is just the way it is, if we are going to be honest.
 And in being honest, I suffer from depression, been on meds a year now, and it was like a wonder drug, I felt so good, and then the stroke, and I am right back to being in that black hole, I am not meaning to hurt, ANYONE, the sad part is I was trying to help, and in return, I have hurt everyone, and feel like I need mental help. I am sorry, please forgive me, and please try & not judge me.
 Mary Beth, can you please call Terry?

Wednesdays With Jessica

 Ok, so, it is only Tuesday, and a story like this should be written on a Wednesday, BUT< tomorrow, I am going out with Julie, and that ALWAYS makes for a great blog!
 I don't know how many of you have read Tuesdays with Maury? The book has been around a while, and Oprah made a movie of it, it was so heart warming. I love to read, and usually read true crime, biographies etc. but, this book stood out, and I was blessed to have read it!
 Ok, so, last year when I first moved into my very first apartment that was just me & Cody, I would have Jessica over for dinner on Wed nights, Who's Jessica, you ask? My sons fiance, right not they are n a civil union, LOL, more on that later!!!
 I would really look forward to it, I would cook all my best recipes, and my older kids would hear what I was cooking, and say WHAT??? We don't get that when we come over!
 We would talk, eat and get to know one another. And , of course talk we would always end up talking about Daniel when he was a baby & growing up. Isn't it funny, how you remember so much about your first, and by your fifth, you are doing good if you know their name. Sheesh, I practically remember how many bowel movements a day Daniel had, with Jennifer, it would be, HEY did you poop today???
 And pictures, OMG, I have books & books of Daniel, poor Jennifer has half that.
 So, I would give Jessica some baby pictures & pics when he played basketball in HS, and we would talk about the kind of kid he was. I do not favor any of my kids, but, Daniel was my first and just happened to be the most behaved, I honestly only remember having a handful of arguments with him his entire home life!
 So, our visit would end, and right away I would think what can I cook next week, and look forward to Wed of the next week.
 How does life get so busy that the simple, important stuff gets put on hold? the things that really mean the most!!
 Daniel & Jessica's civil union will be coming up soon!! It's a good one.
 Have a terrific Tuesday everyone